Manly videos, part 1

It is my opinion that too many men are not experiencing enough manly entertainment.  With that in mind, I’ve decided to point out appropiate videos when I find them.  This offering is titled, YAMATO – The Drummers Of Japan II, and features a display of traditional Japanese drumming.  Notice that this means hitting over sized, and thus manly, drums with clubs. 

Mister Manly

Manly girl gifts

Not too long ago Girly wrote:

And I for one, would love to see a post on what gifts men would like to give women….. don’t wait to be asked… just do it!!

So let us get started with the understanding that I’m not going to give links or prices because, well, men like to worry about such stuff themselves, and because this post is more about why men want women to want these things than the actual items involved.

A school girl outfit. 

Men are both visually oriented and driven by fantasies from their youth and as seen in popular media.  While the woman who gets this present from her man may not like the outfit, I suspect she’ll be more than happy with the results wearing it around the house bring.

This is some sort of fancy jewel encrusted belt. 

I don’t even know how much it costs, but it looks expensive.  I do, however, suspect that your man would work an extra job to pay for it if you’d display it like that.

 

A pink Cadillac.

Sure, this isn’t a very practical gift, but men like cars and we want to share our interests with our woman.  We also, I have to admit, have a genetic predisposition toward thinking it’s good to give women pink things.  It sooths us in some primal way.  This gift is perfect, since you will no doubt look pretty cruising around in it on weekends, and he’ll get to have fun keeping it running.  If you pretend to like it, you will both, no doubt, have some fun in the back seat.

Speaking of pink, men love tools:

We also want to share the occasional project with our woman as a bonding experience.  Don’t worry ladies, after he sees you crawling around banging in a few nails with these, the only project he’s going to want to finish is in the bedroom.

Yes, those go on your nipples.

Visually speaking, women’s breasts are right up there where men are concerned.  We also are quite fond of Christmas.  If he gives you something like this, he’s saying, “I want to unwrap your breasts like the best Christmas present I’ve ever had.  Jingle, jingle.  Wear them under a loose fitting shirt and let him go treasure hunting.

 

This is one of those upper arm things.

It says exotic woman to a man, visual remember?  While a woman may see it as saying cheap whore, ignore your instincts.  Giving it to you is only your man’s way of saying he wants to keep your relationship spicy.  Wear it to bed and feel the heat!

Ah, the Love Swing!

Sorry ladies, but this goes back to that visual thing again.  It may not be flowers and poems, but it does mean he’s willing to do all the work, and for a guy that’s quite a commitment.

Chocolate body paint.

What can I say.  We, as men, have been bombarded by TV and movies for decades with the idea that women are head over heels for chocolate.  If you get something like this, it’s just his way of saying that he is trying to understand your needs, and that he still loves you, in that special way.

Foot trinkets:

Or ankle bracelets for that matter, are just a man’s way of saying that he thinks every part of you is sexy, and should be decorated.  Wear it with pride.

Mister Manly

Advice to Virgil

Our friend Virgil from the Gentleman’s Lounge once wrote in a comment:

“THERE ARE NO GAYS IN IRAN, I DON’T KNOW WHERE YOU HEARD THAT!”

With that in mind, my advice to him, and everyone else, is to watch:

Music Video for Ahmadinejad and Iran: “Has Anybody Seen His Gays?”

Mister Manly

Go read this!

Go read this!  Then, if you can figure out how to leave a comment, tell L I said good work.

Mister Manly

Advice to Teen

This was waiting for me this morning:

Mister Manly,

 

I am in the business of giving advice to teenagers.  How can I make my occupation more manly?  Thanks.

 

- Teen Advisor

Dear Teen,

You have asked a most difficult question, as teenagers are rarely manly and dealing with them tends to suck manliness out of those involved.  I will, however, give it my best shot.

1.  If you don’t have a manly name, choose one, and use it to sign off on your bits of advice.

2.  Personalize you advice by working in mentions of riding your motorcycle, being disappointed that you had to skip your daily weight lifting to provide an answer, and that your typing might be off because of the damage some jerk’s face did to your fist last night.

3.  Take every opportunity to work in things like, “While it was acceptable for me to sleep with 57 women without using a condom before I got married, that was back when STDs could be cured with a shot of penicillin.  Today, you need to wrap it before you use it!”

4.  For those truly troubled teens who are lacking a strong parental influence in their lives, mention that, what with the Internet and all, you can find out where they live and come over in person to kick some sense into their hormone clouded heads.

5.  Start a summer camp program to teach teens to ride motorcycles, fish, hunt, handle firearms, or something along those lines.  Note that you can probably get Government funding for this.

6.  When the young ones admit that they have done something stupid, mention in your reply that you have, back when you were young, done something even more stupid, and that your best friend, who went along with you on the journey got killed in a most horrible way.  Make certain that you don’t over play this, but also mention that, every now and then, the nightmares wake you up at night.

7.  Mention how bad a crimp having to pay child support to that bitch you knocked up in college has put into your party schedule.

8.  Occasionally, work into your writing that you’ve had a minor accident from working on your car, chainsaw, or some other manly project, and mention that your readers shouldn’t worry about it affecting your work, because it doesn’t really hurt enough to bother taking the pain pills.

9.  Assuming that you don’t already have one, doctor up a picture of your face with a big scar down one side.  Use it for your icon.  When a teen asks about it, give them a version of why you are so sorry about killing the guy that did that to you back in high school, but that you are most grateful about having turned your life around.

Hope this helps,

Mister Manly

?!?tahW

It’s manly to be thorough in what one does, so, after suspicions arose that there might be backward masked subliminal messages in the song, Sissy New Age Cowboy, I hunted up some software that would play the song in reverse.  Listen for yourselves:

Sissy New Age Cowboy reversed

Let me know if you notice anything unusual.

Mister Manly

What?!?

While I rarely admit it, I am confused.  I just stumble across this:

Sissy New Age Cowboy

and have yet to make a decision on the manliness of punk – country western fusion music.  Just this once, I find myself open to discussion on a subject.

Mister Manly

Manly gifts, volume VII

Once again it’s time for advice on manly gifts, so let’s look at some items of sporting equipment.  The main thing women need to know about choosing gifts in this area is not to duplicate something your man already has.  This may require a bit of poking around in his tackle box, closet, and anywhere else he stores such things.  The other thing to keep in mind is to select good quality items that will provide good service and last.  Men like things that last, mostly because we hate shopping.  Here are some suggestions.

If your man fishes, boats, or does anything in the wilderness, a CASIO Fishing Gear Illuminator Men’s Watch (Silver) (AW-82-7AVDF) is something he probably doesn’t have, but would almost certainly want.

This watch has some amazing technology packed into a tough package.  It tells time, has LED illumination, is water resistant to 50m, has a count down timer, shows the current phase of the moon, displays the current latitude and longitude, and lots of other stuff including a battery good for 10 years.  Not bad at all for  £22.78 (something close to $40 U.)

 

If your man hunts, you should consider adding this to his arsenal:

That’s an Excalibur Vortex Crossbow Package for $820.  It’s a top of the line item that can launch a quarrel at speeds over 330 feet per second, which should be enough to drop most any game animal.  Depending on where you live, it may also let him qualify for bow hunting seasons.  It would also look manly mounted above the fireplace.

 

Slightly less dangerous, but still very manly, would be a set of professional quality darts:

These beauties are from the Black Knight series by Dimplex and cost less than $40.  Not only will he impress his bar buddies when he whips out the case, but he’ll get a lot of bragging time over the tungsten tips.

 

Then there are those times when friends come over and the men start looking for an excuse to let the women have some gossip time while they go off and tip a few:

The game of boccie is perfect for this and is fairly manly.  This is a very nice set for less than $80, and should provide entertainment for years.  Trust me, he’ll start to really enjoy the game after two or three beers.  In addition, if he’s handy with tools, mounting the storage bag to the beer cooler will be a fun project.

Of course, the ultimate manly small scale game, that’s still legal in the US, is pool.  American pool that is, not snooker.  Thus, his own cue stick is near the top of the manly present list:

That’s the Players Graphite Double Silver Sword Pool Cue – T-G90 for around $70.  This isn’t the best stick on the market, but it’s high tech and manly looking.  Besides, the better cues require lots of customization which makes it difficult to maintain the surprise.

 

Another fairly manly indoor game is ping pong.  Once again, top of the line equipment is what makes a present special, such as this paddle:

Which is a Premium Tube, for $130.  Generally speaking, this is the best general purpose paddle you can get already assembled, and it should improve his game a lot.  Men take sports, even ping pong, very seriously, so he’ll appreciate it.

If he plays his tennis out doors:

That’s a Head Crossbow 10, which is a very manly name for a very manly racket, and it should be for $280.  Still, it the top of the line racket form a top company, and the fact that it’s built for power will say “I love you” better than sharing a six pack with him while watching a Dirty Harry movie at the drive in.

 

Of course, some men find racquetball more to their liking, as they should because it’s more manly, and if the male in your life is one of them, this’ll make his eyes light up:

It’s an Ektelon O3 Copper, and you’re not likely to find a better racket, or a more expensive one.  Yes, at $220, for the base model, it’s a bit pricey, but if your man takes his game seriously, and he does, this is the best tool for the job.  It’s got more features than I knew existed, and most of them sound useful so this racket should improve his game.  Really ladies, isn’t he more fun when he comes home after winning than when he looses? 

OK, I just had to throw this one in.  I know almost nothing about cricket, except that it’s played with a club,

and clubs are manly.  Sure, they call it a bat, but look at it!  It’s a club, and the one pictured, a Reebok Excel Kaismir Willow, is a modestly priced club at $70.  Even if he doesn’t play cricket, this is more classy to keep by the door than a baseball bat, and he’ll never guess what it is before the wrapper comes off.

Alright, whether you know it or not, your man bowls or wants to bowl.  With this in his bag,

he’ll want to bowl even more.  That’s an Elite Evil Skull ball, $130, and his friends are going to hate him when he reveals it on the next bowling night.  He’ll love you for that.  Oh, and if he juggles, buy three.

I saved this for last because it’s the grand prize when manliness, unusualness, and fun are considered:

That’s a Crossman Tac 77 Elite pellet rifle.  It fires a .177 caliber pellet at up to 1,000 feet per second using a spring.  It comes with a bipod rest with a built in laser sight, a 3×9 scope, and a top mounted flashlight.  It even has adjustable trigger pull.  And, with all that, it only costs around $300!  Make sure you have a cardboard box stuffed with newspaper and adorned with a target waiting, because he’s going to be in a rush test this baby out.  Oh, don’t forget a supply of pellets and a pair of shooting glasses so he doesn’t put his eye out.

Mister Manly

Go get some!

It has come to my attention that MJ, over at Note to self, is passing out HUGS and giving away cash and prizes.  My manly advice is to go over there and get some.  Now! 

Mister Manly

Advice to Mahmoud

I have to admit that this one caught me a bit by surprise.

Dear Mr. Manly,

First allow me to apologize in advance if my interpreters mangle your devilish language.  With that said, my problem concerns my desire to destroy the evil Jews.  While this is not at all uncommon in my culture, I find myself in a position of power from which I may be able to achieve this long held desire through the use of nuclear weapons.  While, obviously, this would be cool on a grand scale, I have my doubts as to the manliness of this course, which is of great importance in my country and, since I like my job a lot, I don’t want to screw up and loose both it and my head.  Your advice on this would be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

Hi Mahmoud,

Considering your deep seated problems where manliness is concerned, I’ll skip over explaining why you need to change your wimp name.  Once you have a chance to follow my advice in this letter, get back to me on that subject.

First, and correct me if I’m wrong, I suspect you are a Muslim.  While, on the surface, this appearers to be a manly religion, what with repressing women and all, closer examination shows that it is really a most un-manly form of religion, since it’s based on the fear that, somehow, females might surpass men in some way, so they can’t be allowed the chance to do so.  Men aren’t afraid of challenges.  In fact, they thrive on them.  Thus, if you are afraid that a woman, once you allow her to cast off her burka, can best you in a camel race, rather than falling back on religion, you should just slice your nuts off with a good sharp knife and get it over with quickly, rather than slowly emasculating yourself through your fear.

Moving on to using nuclear weapons on the Jews and the manliness of such action, you have to ask yourself why you, and your fellow Muslims, have to resort to weapons of mass destruction to kick some Hebrew butt?  Truly, if I remember my facts correctly, Muslims out number Jews by something like 100 to 1.  If those odds aren’t enough to let you win a stand up – face to face fight, then my advice is for you to institute an emergency national program to teach your male population how to knit.  That way, each “man” can make his own burka to hide under when the very tiny population of manly Jews decides to come looking for some Iranian ass to kick.

Sincerely,

Mister Manly