Manly deaths

Comments on my previous post by Livininsanity evolved into a discussion on what would be a manly way to die.  While I have an intuitive understanding of this, after thinking on it for a while, I decided it needs some discussion to bring clarity to the subject, since it is rife with subtleties.  By which I mean that, while two men may die in the same manner, a car crash for instance, one may die a manly death, such as a NASCAR driver who blows a tire and smashes into the wall at 180 MPH, or a non-manly death, such as someone who has a six pack or so too much and still tries to drive home and smashes into a bus full of nuns and orphans causing both vehicles to explode into giant fireballs with much resulting destruction.

With that in mind, I would say that a prerequisite for any manly death is that some element of manliness be incorporated into the circumstances preceding the event.  Thus, the following list assumes that the individual passing on was engaged in meeting an obligation or duty, serving his country, responding to an emergency, preforming some professional service, or something along those lines.  So, the top ten most manly ways to die, from most to least manly, are:

1.  Combat in service to your country. 

2.  Trying to save/protect a stranger.

3.  Trying to save/protect a friend.

4.  Trying to save/protect a pet.

5.  Trying to save/protect a family member.

6.  Defending your honor.

7.  Defending the rights of others.

8.  Defending your rights.

9.  Furthering science.

10. Just working.

You should note that the details of this don’t matter that much.  Shot by a snipper while unloading a supply truck, or cut down while charging a machine gun nest.  Getting beat to death while trying to stop the school bully from picking on the small kid, or getting run over after pushing the cell phone guy out of the path of a bus.  Falling into the lava flow while taking a sample, or a slip with a needle in the infectious disease lab.  Shot by the police for questioning their warrentless entry, or shot by an intruder while wrestling for his gun.  When push comes to shove, it’s individual intent that matters.

Mister Manly

Manly gifts, volume IX

One important manly characteristic is being constantly aware of your surroundings. With this in mind, here are some gifts to help your man know what’s going on.

Tired of having to look out a window on each side of the house to see what’s going on outside? Then this,

Set of surveillance cameras is what you need. With 8 cameras, 4 of them wireless, and it’s own computer to monitor and/or record them with, it’s worth almost every penny of the $7,000 it costs. Smaller and less expensive sets are available.

Then there’s that pesky problem of seeing at night. You either have to have flood lights all over your property, or get one of these,

night vision monoculars. I can’t believe something this useful only costs $200. This baby is on my Christmas as of now.

Of course, one has to keep an eye on things during the day as well,

and this pair of binoculars is just the thing to help with that task. They’re military spec, waterproof, shock resistant, and have a built in range finder. What more could you expect $125 to buy?

On the other hand, seeing isn’t everything. Sometimes it’s important to listen as well,

and the Detect Ear will let you do it better than most. This top of the line model, at $500, may be more than you need, so a less expensive unit may be appropriate.

It’s also important to know how fast things are moving, which is where your,

Bushnell Velocity Speed Gun comes in. At less than $80, it’s worth it just to know how fast cars are going by your house.

Temperature is also an important piece of information to have, and with this,

infrared thermometer, you don’t even have to touch something to know how hot/cold it is. At less than $80, this is going on my want list as well.

This next item,

which is a Mini Sound Meter for around $140, may be the best buy of the post. Seriously, with this gadget you have scientific proof of why it was necessary to punch out your neighbor for allowing his teenage brat to play overly loud music. If it only gets you off of one assault charge, it pays for itself.

Then there’s the weather, which everyone supposedly talks about, and with this,

home weather station, you’ll know exactly what you’re talking about. Sure, you can always get weather information off the TV or Internet, but not for your backyard! Why the hell do you care what the temperature is across town when, for $90 you can know exactly what the weather is right where you are. Besides that, it has a radio link to an atomic clock, and atomic stuff is very manly.

Sometimes it’s best to go with low tech solutions, such as this,

visual body scan device, which I hear is going to be used in airports starting next year. So, how can you possibly resist spending $3 for the added home security scanning every visitor for concealed items will bring?

Good shopping,
Mister Manly

Advice to Alexander

This arrived yesterday while I was experiencing technical difficulties:

Dear Mr. Manly,
I find myself in a situation that has me conflicted and totally confused. Thus, I am pleading for your advice on how to handle it in a manly way.

My dilemma concerns how to deal with our new neighbors. Generally speaking, our little cove of civilization is a quite, well maintained, bastion of decent behavior, or it was until They rented the empty house. While all he other lawns are manicured to perfection, theirs, after a month of tender lack of care, looks like a slice of the Amazon rain forest. While no one around here has defiled the area by venturing outside in any outfit that wouldn’t meet with the approval of Islamic Extremists for the last two decades, these new people have frequently been observed strutting about their rented property topless and without foot ware! They park their vehicles – I hesitate to dignify them with the title “cars” – on their lawn, and, or so I suspect because of their lack of tires, some of them may not actually be operable! Also, there is frequently a most unpleasant smell of burning wood wafting from behind their house. And so, I, and my gentle neighbors who have discussed this problem, am at my wits end on how to explain to these barbarians the inappropriateness of their behavior.

Any advice you can give will be most appreciated.

Sincerely,
Alexander

Hi Alexander, if that is really your name,

You did well to request my help, although I suspect you did so several years too late. Still, I will do my best to advise you.

There are three paths you can take to resolve this problem, as best I can tell.

One: Take a nice long drive in your fancy car, a BMW I’m guessing, going way faster than your normal strict adherence to the posted speed limit. When you eventually see flashing blue lights in your rear view mirror, stomp the accelerator and make a little game of seeing how long you can out run the police. Try your best to stay on the run until the news helicopters are swarming overhead. As will inevitably happen, you’ll be stopped by the cops, and that, what with all the TV presence, is your shining moment to leap from your vehicle and run toward the officers screaming about your evil neighbors while waving your arms about to attract their attention. I guarantee your problems will be over.

Two: Get your upper class friends together, pool your money, buy the house these “barbarians” are occupying and evict them. Have the house demolished and build a private park to prevent future problems. Heck, if you have the high class accounting firm I suspect you retain, they’ll probably figure out how to save you more than you shell out on your taxes.

Three: Be a man. Make certain that your health insurance is paid up, and, casually, walk over and introduce yourself. Engage them in small talk for a while, making sure that you don’t exhibit any signs of fear, despite how many weapons are displayed on their persons, or how obvious their physical superiority over you happens to be. Oh, and don’t make any sudden moves, and be polite, but not fawningly polite. It would be a good idea to offer them a gift of a large bottle of modestly priced liquor or a case of cheap beer (chilled.) The man of the house will great you. If I have these people figured correctly, he will insist you share the consumption of the present with him, which you must do. Of course, it’s quite natural for people to engage in conversation while drinking, and you should use this opportunity to get acquainted with him. Make a point of being interested in his accomplishments, such as the big deer he shot or what a shame it was that the giant bass he hooked last year got away or how he plans to restore that car off to the side of the driveway. Don’t be shocked if he asks your opinion as to the size of his wife’s breasts. In this situation it is polite to complement them, but necessary to add something about how manly he must be to attract the woman to which they are attached.

I would point out that, if you follow my instructions carefully, you will, sometime during the process, be escorted around to the back yard. Here you will find the source of the wood smoke that displeased you, in the form of a crude out door cooking apparatus, called a “grill.” The man of the family will be extremely proud of this device, and his ability to produce high quality food with it. At this point, besides starting a full scale war between “them” and “you” is to do some more drinking while he throws some meat on the grill. Use the time while it cooks to introduce subtle hints about proper social behavior into the conversation. If he assumes these are jokes, I advise you to laugh along. Pretend you like the finished food a great deal.

I must warn you that your first excursion into “barbarian” territory probably won’t be successful. Exercise the patience of a civilized person, and repeat the process as often as possible, and, eventually, your shining example of the advantages of upper class society will convert them.

Trust me,
Mister Manly

Manly instructional videos

I have had it mentioned to me that the younger generations don’t respond well to written instructions.  Thus, I think it may be worth my effort to feature examples of visual media that teach lessons on manliness.  The first one is:

From which we can learn several points on being manly.

1.  Never hit a woman.  Unless, of course, she’s some amazon athlete type and you are having a friendly sporting competition.  Or, unless she asks you to.  So, to clarify this point, never hit a woman in anger, and then never very hard. 

2.  Always go armed.  Most of the time you won’t need a gun, but, in those rare instances where the use of firearms is appropriate, it’s not at all likely that you will be able to call “time out” and have the leisure to go home and fetch your pistol.

3.  Upon making bail, it’s usually wise to spend a day or two with your parents, so you have time to get a feel for the situation that has developed from your actions that landed you in jail.  A good part of acting manly is based on understanding the mess you’re in, and preparing for the consequences.

4.  If you are lucky enough to attract a woman who smokes, drinks, and still looks as hot as the babe in this video, examine your motives several times before doing something to piss her off.  Really, there are an astounding number of people wondering around that deserve to be pissed off, so why crap so close to home?

5.  A shotgun usually trumps machismo.

In summary, to be a good hunter it’s necessary to think ahead, so it’s manly to do so.

This instructional video is by Miranda Lambert performing “Gunpowder & Lead.”

 Mister Manly

Manly girl gifts, 2

The last time I wrote about topic, MJ seemed to want some hints on lingerie that men like. Here are some hints.

I may be showing my age, but Mister Manly would give this to his wife in a minute, if he thought there was any chance in Hell of her wearing it.

This should perk things up while y’all are reading the Sunday paper.  Don’t start on a long article, as I suspect you will have your reading interupted.

Something like this is quite appropriate for serving dinner, particularly if you don’t want him to clean his plate.

If your hints about what you want to do are a bit too subtle for him to catch:

OK, this isn’t really lingerie, but it’s definitely worth mentioning.  Flavored temporary tattoos.  Much more manly than a lollipop, and you know how men feel about ASKING for directions.

It’s all too easy for a couple to fall into a habit of watching TV instead of talking.  Slip into this during a commercial break on Law and Order, and I suspect you’ll have to find out who killed who in reruns.

This one isn’t necessarily for your man’s benefit, but if you make a habit of wearing it to walk out and get the mail and/or carry out the trash, you will quickly find that he takes over those chores.

Men like sports.  Most of them don’t get the chance to participate, and some of those over compensate by watching far too many games on TV.  If your man is really going overboard in this way, and ignoring you, bring him a beer and some chips & dip wearing this, and he’ll have to catch the final result on the radio in the morning.

Have I mentioned that, much like cats, men like tassels?  If your man is not pawing at you enough, this outfit will surely correct the situation.

There are those times in any relationship when some minor thing becomes a major issue.  When you are ready to defuse the situation and make up…

Of course, there are those couples who are just in a rut.  One of you does the house work and the other spends weekends fixing stuff around the house.  If you ladies are looking to interest your man into making the weekend work a shared experience, let him see you pushing a vacuum cleaner or replacing an electrical outlet in this, and keeping your house in shape will quickly become a joint venture.

For any occasions I’ve missed, this should do.

Mister Manly

Manly videos part 3

It’s manly to remember.

Mister Manly

Manly gifts, volume VIII

Let’s take a look at some manly gifts of food, starting with a sampler of jerky:

This is a bit pricey at $185, but it’s 10 months of unusual jerky including ostrich and buffalo.  I’ve tried that last one and it was a very manly snack.

 

If you’re looking for something a little different to throw on the grill,

try 12-16 pounds of buffalo prime rib.  Really, isn’t that worth $370?

What list of manly food would be complete without hot sauce?  I think this one would be appropriate,

That’s Mad Dog 357 Collector’s Edition at slightly less than $20.  I’d point out that it’s a better buy than it sounds, since at 600,000 Scoville Units it should go a long way.

However, if your man likes it really hot,

That’s Blair’s 3 AM Reserve Pepper Extract, $35 for 2.5 oz of stuff that, at between 1,500,000 and 2,000,000 Scoville Units, actually goes beyond hot.

And, if your man is more than slightly insane,

or makes chili in 50 gallon batches, a bottle of The Source is the perfect $90 way to let him know you love him anyway.  By the way, this stuff is pure capsicum (the chemical that makes peppers hot) and rates 7,100,000 Scoville Units, this is an extremely DANGEROUS product if not used with care, which makes it extremely manly.
I don’t actually know if this stuff is manly or not, but Australians like it and that has to count for something.

Besides, a jar of Vegemite is worth $15 just so he’ll finally know what they’re talking about in that song about The Land Down Under.
Hot wings are manly and whiskey is manly so,

how can Jim Beam Hot Wing Sauce not qualify?  It’s only $5 a bottle and would make a manly addition to a gift list.

Sure, it would be very manly if he could shoot his own deer, but if you man doesn’t have the time,

it’s still manly to cook up a rack of venison.  At $105 to feed up to 8 people, it’s not even that expensive.

There aren’t many liquors more manly than tequila

and Cabo Wabo is the most manly tequila on the market.  Why, you might ask?  Because Sammy Hagar started the company that makes it!  That alone makes it well worth the $40 price.  Oh, and after your man has had a shot or five of it don’t let him drive at all, let alone over 55.

 

Ham is a manly food, and this is this,

10 kg hunk of PROSCIUTTO DI PARMA is also the real thing directly from the Parma hills of Italy.  While it sounds somewhat steep at 200 Euros, it’s actually a good deal, considering that the last time I bought some it cost me $2.50 an oz.  By the way, this stuff is killer on home made pizza.

Mister Manly

A letter from Al

In response to my post, Advice to Al, Al writes:

Dear “Rabbi MM,”

Oy Vay! After relocating to the South, sometimes I feel like I’ve been wandering in the desert for forty years! You see, when searching for a safe place for my family to live while I prepare for my “shopping expedition to Iran,” I picked this part of the US, because the similarity between “Hebrew” and “Southern English” is uncanny, to the untrained ear…

“Yareckon?”

See what I mean?

BTW: I’ve tried to insure to the locals that Israel is in no way a “Northern Province,” but it seems to fall on “deef” ears. What’s a “carpetbagger?” And why do they spit after they say it?

Mom always taught me that respect for women was mandatory, in a matriarchal society. Everyone knows that America is certainly run by women. After all, if it isn’t, how could Bill Clinton still be alive? Hillary must have exercised her power to keep him amongst the breathing, to be a pawn in her bid to take over the entire world… 

Although (as you so noted earlier)  I’m used to being outnumbered by at least 100 to 1, here in the South, I try to be courteous to the “Gentiles.” After all, when we look up into the night sky, we can see the same heavens…

But thank you for helping me understand the relationship between Southern women and Gloria Steinem. That clears things up, dramatically…

And you’re not fooling anyone about”grits.” Even this Jewish Carpenter knows that grit is adhered to paper, and used to grind down the surface of objects, by using friction…

No one in their right mind would soak anything in poison, to make it palatable. That’s just crazy…

(Although, it would explain why they cover it in cheese, or gravy, or enough pepper to fuel a reactor… Hmmm… I may have to rethink this.)

I suspect the consumption of this “meal” is aimed at grinding down particulates not digestible, yet still existing in the Southern Diet. This would also explain the consumption of “fried catfish,” “boiled peanuts,” and the act of “sucking the heads off crawfish.”

And with crime rates climbing to astronomical levels in the South, I don’t understand the lack of “Second Chance” vests in the Men’s Wear department at Sears. Hey, you can almost build a weapon of mass destruction from components found in the Craftsman Tool Department, you’d have thought some marketing genius would have put two and two together…

I know that people operate under the misconception that we Jews are evil. We really aren’t ignoring you, and we really don’t mean to appear “stand-offish…” It’s just that we’re shy…

Until, you encroach our borders, or harm our “kin.” And then… we spend about six days making you wish that you’d never been born, while we pummel you and all of your ancestors into “couscous…”

And MM, I know that the “Rabbi” within you seeks to teach (and it’s quite an honorable endeavor), but we’re too absorbed with survival, to be concerned with “advanced social education.” So, we teach our children to excel at the school of “kicking butt and taking down names…”

The message we send by holding a door, or slamming your head into it, is clear…

We be nice, if you be nice. If not… We make matzah outta your balls… Even if you tried to hide them in a burka!

And like you, we reserve the right to adjust this “theory” as we go along…

Perhaps one day, over a bottle of 70 year old Single Malt Scotch (kosher, of course), we can spin yarns about the good old days, when men were men, and women… oy vay!… the women…

Thanks, “Rabbi MM,” for sharing your enlightened view of the world we all live in…

And by the way, have you ever noticed that “Sweet Tea” tastes remarkably like “Sweet Crude?” Perhaps it should be looked at as a future energy source?

Shalom

“That which does not kill you… Probably leaves a cool scar. Chicks dig scars.”

Oh, the stories I could tell…

 

This one doesn’t ask for advice, but it does mention Scotch and women and scars, so with Al’s permission, I thought it worth sharing.  You can find Al at The Life and Times of a Renaissance Ronin.  I would add that I have never tasted crude oil so I have no basis for comparison and that one doesn’t suck the head off of crayfish, at least on purpose, but instead sucks the inside out which is mostly very tasty fat.

Mister Manly

Manly videos, part 2

This may well be the most manly music video of all time.  It makes me wonder why we only put pictures of our Presidents on our currency.  It also makes me wonder where our poets are these days.

That, by the way, is Bob Dylan in concert back in 1976 playing a most intense version of “Shelter From The Storm.”

Mister Manly

Advice to Al

Al writes:

Dear Mister Manly,

The other day, while I was out shopping with my family for some new body armor (I’m thinking about a quick trip to Iran “to buy sweaters…”), I saw an older lady laboring with several packages, headed towards the door.

So, after ushering my own tribe through the door, I remained to hold it open for her.

As she finally huffed and puffed her way through, she gave me a look like I was Charles Manson at a Girl Scout Campout…

What did I do wrong?

Hey, Hebrews have it hard enough in the south. What in the hell are “grits?” And why do they insist on serving them with every meal?

Mazel Tov!

“That which does not kill you… Probably leaves a cool scar. Chicks dig scars, eh?”

Hi Al,

There are several possibilities as to the woman’s attitude.  Being new to the South, you most likely have a noticeable accent, or you present visual clues as to your foreign nature.  Combine this with the Southern trait of assuming all foreigners are from the North, and thus Yankees, and it’s quite reasonable to assume she figured you were waiting to mug her.  Another possibility is that she was another import and was mentally unhinged by the generally high level of courtesy common down here.  I’ve seen this happen to several Yankees who, being convinced that anyone who went out of the way to do them a favor was setting them up for some sort of scam, were agitated so much of the time that they had nervous breakdowns.  Or, she may just have been an aging feminist.

Grits are coarsely ground dried corn.  They originated as a Native American dish.  This was adopted by European colonists as the best method to preserve and prepare said grain.  It became very popular in the South, where corn grows well and since, well, most everyone was dirt poor.  Our ancestors did, however, improve the product by making grits out of hominy, which is corn soaked in a lye solution from which the outer layer is then removed, before it’s dried and ground.  It’s served often because, well, it’s still cheap, but also because it’s a traditional dish and, in the face of bland movement over the last few decades to homogenize our country, there has been a counter movement to preserve the unique culture of the region.  Once you acclimate and pick up on more of the local history, you’ll notice more signs of this, such as the proliferation of restaurants serving traditional cuisine, increased membership in historical societies, and a noticeable rise in the number of professional people who don’t attempt to modify their speech patterns to conform to what they hear on TV.  It will help you adjust if you think of grits as the local version of couscous.

On the subject of body amour, if you are so unfortunate as to live in any of our larger cities, Memphis for example, that item may serve you well in daily life.  I live near Memphis, which is number two in the nation for high rate of violent crime in high population areas, and the morning talk radio host answers calls with, “You’re on the air and I’m glad you haven’t been shot yet.” 

As to Hebrews having it hard down here, I suspect you are correct in some areas.  I, for instance, grew up in a very rural area and never met a Jew until I went to college, a State one in another remote area, and then not for a couple of years.  On the other hand, I also wasn’t aware that there was any local animosity toward you.  That came a bit later when, while my friends and I were shooting pool in the student union and a graduate student asked us to take a survey for her project.  She was cute, so we did.  One of the questions was, “Do you hate Jews?”  While I checked “no” since I didn’t have any reason to do so, one of my friends asked, “Am I supposed to?” 

This was a pivotal moment in my life, as I immediately realized that he didn’t necessarily want to add another group to his hate list, but, not knowing anything about the subject, but he also didn’t want to make a social mistake by going against the common grain.  After a few years of contemplating this, I came to two conclusions: a real man makes his own decisions or puts them off until he knows the facts, and, while the concept of hating a general group can at times serve a good purpose, such as hating Nazis during WWII, those times are rare, and even then, aren’t very manly.  After a few more years of mulling this over, I’ve decided that, while at times it is necessary to hate for the emotional boost, in general that emotion isn’t manly at all.  Really, if someone offends me so much that I find it necessary to administer a thorough ass kicking, but I’m going to allow him to live, the only logical reason for it is to teach a lesson.  If you want to teach someone, then you are doing them a favor, and, therefore, can’t rationally hate them.  This theory, by the way, is still a work in progress, and I reserve the right to adjust it as life rolls along.

Scars, if you have a good story to go along with them, are manly.

Mister Manly