Advice for Bharat Yeddyurappa

May 30, 2008

I received an email from Bharat Yeddyurappa last night that definitely deserves a reply.

Dear Mister Manly.

Hello sir and good day. My name is Bharat Yeddyurappa and I live in India. We take matters of our manliness quite seriously and usually have knowledge derived from thousands of years of history to guide us in correctness of action to preserve our manly status. I have, however, recently experienced a situation for which I was most terribly unprepared. The incident in question is described in this news article, Villagers burn woman accused of being witch.  The thing I need of you advice upon is the screaming of the witch and what we did wrong to permit it.  I am coming as close to begging as possible so desperate for your advice am I.

Most sincerely,

Bharat

Dear Bharat,

You made the correct decision by seeking my advice.  You, sir, are in desperate need of a macho infusion, so pay close attention while I point out the many unmanly mistakes you made while dealing with the witch.  First, and quite likely most important, you tarnished the ancient sport of witch burning by not following the rules.  Allow me to list them for you:

1.  The suspected witch must be tested either by being tossed into the nearest body of water with his/her hands and feet tied so the water has a chance to reject the witch by making him/her float, in which case it’s on to step 2, or by accepting her, in which case he/she’s not a witch but drowns – or by searching his/her naked body for the presence of a witch’s mark which can look like anything from a mole to a pimple.  Whichever test is used should be conducted in public since, after all, witch burning is a spectator sport.

2.  The witch has to be given a chance to atone for kissing the Devil’s ass, and this is done by having the witch recite a lengthy and complicated passage from whatever religious book is common in the region.  The recitation has to be done from memory and be exactly correct and, if by some freak chance, the witch gets it right, they go free.

3.  Finally, we get to the good part, the burning.  To do this properly, the witch, usually naked, and always blindfolded, gagged and with their hands tied, to avoid having them do any last minute cursing, is paraded around the village three times in a counter clockwise direction.  This gives the spectators a chance to get in on the action by poking the witch with pointy sticks and casting the occasional stone.  While this is being done, a stake is erected in the village square, being careful to keep it well away from any buildings that might catch fire, and cord wood is stacked around it to a height of at least three feet, so everyone can get a good view, and dry brush and kindling is stuffed in the gaps.  When ready, the witch is placed atop the wood and bound to the stake, preferably with chains to prevent loosing points by having him/her get loose in mid-burn.  Start the fire and break out the snack food.

As you can plainly see, you skipped steps one and two, and didn’t even come close to doing step three properly.  In other words, you cheated, and that is not manly.  Get it right next time or the local girls are going to start inviting you to their sewing parties.

Concerning the proper technique for gagging someone, my suspicion is that you were in too much of a hurry, and probably just tied a rag over her mouth.  Very sloppy, and not very manly.  You have to stuff something into the mouth and then tie it in place if you’re to have any hope of muffling screams.  For those situations where speed is essential, I suggest using professional bondage equipment which is readily available at numerous sites on the Internet.  Remember, it’s always manly to have the right tool for the job.

Concerning your name, change it to something that doesn’t sound like you’re a hairdresser.

Mister Manly

Advertisements

Advice for Bob

May 29, 2008

A friend of mine from high school sent me a letter the other day which was surprising, not only because I had no idea he could write, but also because even after all these years he still remembered where to go for advice on how to act like a man.  This has inspired me to share my knowledge through this blog as a public service to all the wimps out there.  Now, on to Bob’s problem:

Dear Mr. Manly,

I need your advice on how to handle accidents on the construction site in a manly fashion.  This subject came up the other day when Dan managed to shoot himself in the hand with a nail gun.  His reaction, thrashing around on the floor and screaming until the ambulance arrived, somehow seemed less than masculine.  Since I’ll probably suffer a similar injury eventually, I’d like to know to deal with the situation in a Manly way.

Sincerely,

Bob

Dear Bob,

You were very wise to consult me on this matter, as your coworker, Dan, definitely proved himself to be a wimp, and that is something to be avoided at all costs.  First, a man doesn’t scream in response to pain, with the exception of the case where something sharp has a close encounter with your testicles.  Thus, in this instance the appropriate reaction is either a short bought of creative cussing, or a simple self-deprecating humorous remark,

Secondly, thrashing on the floor is about as girlie as you can get.  Wetting yourself or fainting are worse, by the way.  The correct course of action is to heat the nail with your cigarette lighter, before pulling it out with your teeth.  This will both sterilize and cauterize the wound, and allow you to finish out your shift.  A man goes to the doctor on his own time.  In addition, to demonstrate the most manliness possible in this situation, finish off by spitting the nail into whatever you were intending to drive it in the first place.

Thirdly, this entire problem could have been avoided had you simply relied on an old fashioned hammer, which is much more manly than a sissy nail gun.  There’s an important principle here, which is that it’s almost always more manly to do something the hard way.  Apply that as often as possible in your daily life, and I believe you’ll quickly notice people looking at you in a different light.

Glad to help,

Mr. Manly

 please note that advice from Mister Manly is not nece