Advice for Bob

A friend of mine from high school sent me a letter the other day which was surprising, not only because I had no idea he could write, but also because even after all these years he still remembered where to go for advice on how to act like a man.  This has inspired me to share my knowledge through this blog as a public service to all the wimps out there.  Now, on to Bob’s problem:

Dear Mr. Manly,

I need your advice on how to handle accidents on the construction site in a manly fashion.  This subject came up the other day when Dan managed to shoot himself in the hand with a nail gun.  His reaction, thrashing around on the floor and screaming until the ambulance arrived, somehow seemed less than masculine.  Since I’ll probably suffer a similar injury eventually, I’d like to know to deal with the situation in a Manly way.

Sincerely,

Bob

Dear Bob,

You were very wise to consult me on this matter, as your coworker, Dan, definitely proved himself to be a wimp, and that is something to be avoided at all costs.  First, a man doesn’t scream in response to pain, with the exception of the case where something sharp has a close encounter with your testicles.  Thus, in this instance the appropriate reaction is either a short bought of creative cussing, or a simple self-deprecating humorous remark,

Secondly, thrashing on the floor is about as girlie as you can get.  Wetting yourself or fainting are worse, by the way.  The correct course of action is to heat the nail with your cigarette lighter, before pulling it out with your teeth.  This will both sterilize and cauterize the wound, and allow you to finish out your shift.  A man goes to the doctor on his own time.  In addition, to demonstrate the most manliness possible in this situation, finish off by spitting the nail into whatever you were intending to drive it in the first place.

Thirdly, this entire problem could have been avoided had you simply relied on an old fashioned hammer, which is much more manly than a sissy nail gun.  There’s an important principle here, which is that it’s almost always more manly to do something the hard way.  Apply that as often as possible in your daily life, and I believe you’ll quickly notice people looking at you in a different light.

Glad to help,

Mr. Manly

 please note that advice from Mister Manly is not nece

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10 Responses to Advice for Bob

  1. betme says:

    Excellent advice. As a member of the softer sex, I would be nauseated to see sissy boys whimpering when impaled. Thank you for your invaluable service. I will be posting this and future advice on the company bulletin board for the boarder-line wimps in the office.

  2. ben4ford says:

    Men don’t cry, they shoot stuff….

  3. mistermanly says:

    Hi betme,

    I’m most glad to be of service. Fell free to ask for advice on how to shape up your metro-sexual coworkers. Remember, however, that it’s not really their fault as office work is the least manly thing a male can do. Come on, they fire you for hitting each other! A few years of that and even I would be slightly less macho, which means a normal man stuck in a cubical is doing well if he’s not wearing a dress and high heels within a year or two. Office work, in my opinion, should be the domain of women, and men should stick to occupations where we get to do physical stuff. Don’t get me wrong on this and think that I’m saying a man can’t think. Lots of physical work requires considerable mental effort, often with deadly consequences if one acts before thinking the process through, and it’s just that danger which I think we need, as men, to keep our minds functioning correctly. So, if a male’s biggest threat to his life on a daily basis is the possibility of a nasty paper cut while filling the copier, blame the environment, not the man.

    I like you, so stop by often.

    Mister Manly

  4. mistermanly says:

    Hi ben4ford,

    Partially correct. We also hit stuff, hack stuff, stab stuff, move stuff, and blow stuff up. It’s important that you don’t limit yourself through limited visions of your potential.

    Mister Manly

  5. Pure Evyl says:

    I once escorted a co-worker that had shot himself in the finger with a nail gun to the ER. He was sitting there with a damned nail through his finger but wouldn’t take a pain shot because he was scared of needles. What a puss.

  6. mistermanly says:

    Hi Evyl,

    Your co-worker’s decision just proves that a man shouldn’t take counsel from his fears. On the other hand, regardless of his motivation, it’s definitely more macho to refuse painkillers.

    Mister Manly

  7. 2lazydogs says:

    Hello Mr. Manly,

    I was so excited to see you on my blog stats…because I always have ulterior motives I was thinking, “Wow, now here’s a suitor.” But, alas, Annie blew your cover. I still love you. This is fun…I’m rolling you right now, baby!

  8. mistermanly says:

    Hi 2,

    That pleases me in more ways than one 😉 Thanks for the link and a most excellent start to the day.

    Mister Manly

  9. Jayne :) says:

    Dear Mr Manly

    So this is where you’re hiding these days! What I want to to know is…..how does a girlie girl find a manly man these days?

    Any advice will be considered!

    Jayne 🙂

  10. mistermanly says:

    Hi Jayne,

    I’d hardly call it hiding 🙂 As to advice, that’s what I’m here for, and I’ll devote a post to it ASAP.

    Mister Manly

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