A friend of mine from high school sent me a letter the other day which was surprising, not only because I had no idea he could write, but also because even after all these years he still remembered where to go for advice on how to act like a man. This has inspired me to share my knowledge through this blog as a public service to all the wimps out there. Now, on to Bob’s problem:
Dear Mr. Manly,
I need your advice on how to handle accidents on the construction site in a manly fashion. This subject came up the other day when Dan managed to shoot himself in the hand with a nail gun. His reaction, thrashing around on the floor and screaming until the ambulance arrived, somehow seemed less than masculine. Since I’ll probably suffer a similar injury eventually, I’d like to know to deal with the situation in a Manly way.
You were very wise to consult me on this matter, as your coworker, Dan, definitely proved himself to be a wimp, and that is something to be avoided at all costs. First, a man doesn’t scream in response to pain, with the exception of the case where something sharp has a close encounter with your testicles. Thus, in this instance the appropriate reaction is either a short bought of creative cussing, or a simple self-deprecating humorous remark,
Secondly, thrashing on the floor is about as girlie as you can get. Wetting yourself or fainting are worse, by the way. The correct course of action is to heat the nail with your cigarette lighter, before pulling it out with your teeth. This will both sterilize and cauterize the wound, and allow you to finish out your shift. A man goes to the doctor on his own time. In addition, to demonstrate the most manliness possible in this situation, finish off by spitting the nail into whatever you were intending to drive it in the first place.
Thirdly, this entire problem could have been avoided had you simply relied on an old fashioned hammer, which is much more manly than a sissy nail gun. There’s an important principle here, which is that it’s almost always more manly to do something the hard way. Apply that as often as possible in your daily life, and I believe you’ll quickly notice people looking at you in a different light.
Glad to help,
please note that advice from Mister Manly is not nece