This was in my email this morning:
Dear Mr. Manly,
I am in urgent need of your advice even though I really don’t deserve it. In a moment of weakness, I agreed to take my girlfriend to see “Sex And The City” tonight and, much to my dismay, I am too scared to think. Please save me!
That’s what you get for thinking with your pecker. You’ve definitely dug yourself in deep, and getting out is going to hurt. I hope you at least had the good sense to accept the sexual favor in advance, because, or so I’m told, there’s not any sex in the movie. While the chicks staring in the flick are hot, they don’t even get naked, wasting what would no doubt seem like an eternity shopping and talking about sex. As I understand it, they don’t even give any useful tips on how to do it better.
Never the less, I’ll do what I can. Start by asking yourself if your girlfriend is worth paying such a steep price to keep? If the answer is “no” then take her to the next to last showing, and while she heads for the head pre-movie, try and pick up another woman that’s already seen the picture. Paying for her ticket will be more than enough compensation for breaking up with her and abandoning her at the theater.
On the other hand, if you decide to keep her, you’re stuck with taking the torture. If you’re a real man, which I doubt, you’ll stare at the screen, smiling and nodding occasionally, and think about hunting or football until it’s over. If you’re tough enough to pull it off convincingly, you still have to face the inevitable after the show discussion of the film which, in the case of chick flicks, will include how it made you feel. Seeing as how men don’t feel, and if they do won’t ever admit it, you will be stuck for a response. Try, “It was so beautiful that I can’t talk about it now or I’ll break down and cry.” If that flies, then make sure you use the let’s-cuddle technique when you get home, which should get you some. If it doesn’t, it’s time to reconsider your relationship.
Assuming you’re not into hallucinogenic drugs, which are extremely un-manly, your next best option is to get sick. This will have to be done in the theater after the show starts, but before the horror saps your will power. Spend this time chugging a large soda and eating candy containing nuts and popcorn. At the appropriate time, puke. If you can’t do this at will – I imagine Rosie O’Donnell naked and spray like Old Faithful – I recommend using syrup of ipecac. A small sip and you’ll be reenacting the pea soup scene from the Exorcist in no time. For best effect, tilt your head back at a 45 degree angle, to get maximum range, and sweep as wide an arc as possible. While this is a nasty way to go, it will definitely get you out of the movie and, if you have even a tiny bit of acting ability, some pampering back at home, unless, as may happen, you wind up spending the night in the emergency room.
You should also check with your doctor as to why you’re not producing enough testosterone.