Advice for Henry

This was in my email this morning:

Dear Mr. Manly,

I am in urgent need of your advice even though I really don’t deserve it.  In a moment of weakness, I agreed to take my girlfriend to see “Sex And The City” tonight and, much to my dismay, I am too scared to think.  Please save me!

Sincerely,

Henry

Dear Henry,

That’s what you get for thinking with your pecker.  You’ve definitely dug yourself in deep, and getting out is going to hurt.  I hope you at least had the good sense to accept the sexual favor in advance, because, or so I’m told, there’s not any sex in the movie.  While the chicks staring in the flick are hot, they don’t even get naked, wasting what would no doubt seem like an eternity shopping and talking about sex.  As I understand it, they don’t even give any useful tips on how to do it better.

Never the less, I’ll do what I can.  Start by asking yourself if your girlfriend is worth paying such a steep price to keep?  If the answer is “no” then take her to the next to last showing, and while she heads for the head pre-movie, try and pick up another woman that’s already seen the picture.  Paying for her ticket will be more than enough compensation for breaking up with her and abandoning her at the theater.

On the other hand, if you decide to keep her, you’re stuck with taking the torture.  If you’re a real man, which I doubt, you’ll stare at the screen, smiling and nodding occasionally, and think about hunting or football until it’s over.  If you’re tough enough to pull it off convincingly, you still have to face the inevitable after the show discussion of the film which, in the case of chick flicks, will include how it made you feel.  Seeing as how men don’t feel, and if they do won’t ever admit it, you will be stuck for a response.  Try, “It was so beautiful that I can’t talk about it now or I’ll break down and cry.”  If that flies, then make sure you use the let’s-cuddle technique when you get home, which should get you some.  If it doesn’t, it’s time to reconsider your relationship.

Assuming you’re not into hallucinogenic drugs, which are extremely un-manly, your next best option is to get sick.  This will have to be done in the theater after the show starts, but before the horror saps your will power.  Spend this time chugging a large soda and eating candy containing nuts and popcorn.  At the appropriate time, puke.  If you can’t do this at will – I imagine Rosie O’Donnell naked and spray like Old Faithful – I recommend using syrup of ipecac.  A small sip and you’ll be reenacting the pea soup scene from the Exorcist in no time.  For best effect, tilt your head back at a 45 degree angle, to get maximum range, and sweep as wide an arc as possible.  While this is a nasty way to go, it will definitely get you out of the movie and, if you have even a tiny bit of acting ability, some pampering back at home, unless, as may happen, you wind up spending the night in the emergency room.

You should also check with your doctor as to why you’re not producing enough testosterone.

Mister Manly

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16 Responses to Advice for Henry

  1. betme says:

    Oh My Gosh, what woman would want to be with a man who would willingly take them to SATC? That is why we have girlfriends. The false notion that we want our guys to be sensitive does not mean we want them to be GIRLS!

    Dude you are in for a life of spending weekends with the mother-in-law and planting flower beds with the women’s club. Buck up and be a man. Tell her you will be out chugging beer with the boys.

    (Unless you have already been given a down payment of a bj)

    Sorry for the encroachment Mr. Manley. I am just in shock that any guy said yes.

  2. mistermanly says:

    Hi betme,

    Never be surprised over what a man will do for a BJ, which I suspect is the driving force in Henry’s dilemma. Really, keep in mind that Bill Clinton almost gave up the Presidency for a little head! And don’t forget all those male teachers that have given up their jobs for prison cells because they just had to stick it to a student. And the list goes on and on and… The moral of the story is that a male has to learn that, while his balls determine his gender, his mind makes him a man, and learning when to keep it in your pants is a significant part of the process.

    From what I’ve read on your blog, you are one hell of a woman and your man really is one. Thus, you’re not encroaching when you comment, but only making me sorry that I can’t serve beer and snacks over the Internet so your visits would be more fun. Making your guests comfortable and happy is, after all, manly.

    Mister Manly

  3. girlydigs says:

    Your blog just made my day! Glad I stumbled across you 😛

  4. mistermanly says:

    Hi girlydigs,

    And your comment just made mine! Don’t be a stranger.

    Mister Manly

  5. girlydigs says:

    You’re stuck with me now..I’m a subscriber! 😛

  6. mistermanly says:

    Hi g,

    I am flattered. Remember that I dispense advice, so if you have the need for some, you know where to go 😉

    Mister Manly

  7. girlydigs says:

    I will keep that in mind if I want to know how to act like a man! 😉 I have enjoyed reading through your blog… made me giggle.

  8. mistermanly says:

    Hi g,

    I figured you might have male friends and/or family in need of assistance. Giggle all you want, I’ll write more, but probably not today. Our power has gone off twice this morning and it’s only 10:00 AM, which has totally thrown off my schedule.

    Mister Manly

  9. Girly says:

    I should have asked you about the need to pee outdoors! *slaps self*

  10. Girly says:

    Sorry about your power… my internet was off earlier this morning and I thought I might die!! We are in the same time zone. 🙂

  11. mistermanly says:

    Hi Girly,

    It’s the price we pay for having so many trees. Of course, if our monopoly utility company would do its job properly, power lines near trees would be underground and I wouldn’t need to have their number on my cell phone speed dial.

    As to the Internet, I have to admit that I’m at least mildly addicted. I mean, I would still give up the Net before cigars and Scotch, but it would be a close call. It’s to the point where I’m thinking seriously about buying an electric generator and/or up grading my cell phone and account for full Internet access. On one hand that’s getting pretty close to wimpy. On the other hand, I’d get to fish in my lake more often, and fishing is manly, particularly in an area with as many poisonous snakes as we have, not to mention the extra chance to pee outdoors. Decisions, decisions.

    Mister Manly

  12. Girly says:

    That’s why I like being a girl… no tough decisions about appearing girly.

  13. mistermanly says:

    Hi Girly,

    You, however, have to shave your legs and pits or worry about appearing manly (or French) 🙂 I’ll take the dilemma over fishing more or not any day.

    Mister Manly

  14. Girly says:

    LOL! Very true.

  15. Girly says:

    Dear Mister Manly,

    I need your help. Can you please tell me why it is that men seem to be so proud of their bodily functions, particularly in the form of flatulence or belching? I have noticed that this behavior begins at a very young age and never seems to diminish. I would certainly never be sitting around with my girlfriends and just “let one rip”… however, if one should accidentally slip, I would politely say excuse me with an embarrassing giggle… and certainly would not be met with high fives by my girlfriends yelling “good one!” It seems that the louder and smellier they are the more proud they become! I would really appreciate your insite…

    Thank you,
    Girly

  16. mistermanly says:

    Hi Girly,

    I answered your request for advice in a new post.

    Mister Manly

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