Advice for Sam

Sam sent me this:

Dear Mr. Manly,

There was an incident I witnessed the other day that has me perplexed as to how it should have been handled.  Julie, my girlfriend, and I were standing in line to see a movie, that new Indiana Jones flick, when a biker roared up, parked his motorcycle on the sidewalk, walked to the front of the line, and shoved his way up to the ticket booth.  Needless to say, everyone was outraged, but it happened so quickly that the man was inside the theater before anyone could say anything.  I don’t feel very manly about this, and have since prepared myself mentally to act immediately should a similar situation occur.  My question to you is how to confront someone like that in a manly fashion?

Sincerely,

Sam

Dear Sam,

First, allow me to complement you on your manly choice of movies.

Second, I would like to point out that you missed a most manly opportunity to teach the line cutter, which is not manly, a valuable lesson.  Rather than attending the show, you should have spent those two hours dismantling his motorcycle.  Even if you didn’t want to walk back to your truck to get your toolbox, with just a multi-tool, which no man should go anywhere without, you could have broken the bike into its major component pieces.  With a ratchet set and some wire pliers, even a non-mechanic could reduce the entire vehicle into a pile of parts in the time you had available.  While you were working, your girlfriend could have amused herself by arranging said parts to spell out a nasty message about people who cut line.

Now, on with the advice you requested.  Assuming that the biker was the sort that would have a significant advantage over you in a fair fight, a manly way to react would have been to catch him with a flying knee in the back, just below his bottom rib.  If preformed with sufficient vigor and accuracy, this maneuver is a great equalizer.  After that, the rest is just doing your best to beat the crap out of your opponent, while not being pounded too badly yourself, until the police arrive and taser you both.  With a bit of luck, the two of you could have become friends while spending the night in the holding cell.

The most manly way to handle the situation, however, would have been to yell at him to go to the end of the line, making sure to call him Bud.  In my experience, the sort of person who cuts line can’t resist a confrontation, so he would likely respond with something like, “And just who do you think you are, (insert profanity here)?”  At this point you reply with some variation along these lines, “The man who’s about to give you the worst beating of your life.”  Note, it’s very important to use a casual tone of voice, maintain a relaxed body posture, and look him directly in the eye while saying that.  If you’ve been working even slightly at keeping a manly muscular appearance, odds are roughly 60-40 that he’ll back down.  Of course, if you hit the loosing end of that spread and you don’t have any combat training, it might be a good idea to whisper to your girlfriend to call 911, just in case.

Hope this helps,

Mister Manly

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8 Responses to Advice for Sam

  1. 2lazydogs says:

    Hey Mister Manly,

    There’s nothing like a good motorcycle dismantling. Excellent advice!

  2. mistermanly says:

    Hi 2,

    Destruction can, at times, be quite rewarding.

    Mister Manly

  3. MJ says:

    I wouldn’t mind so much his parking on the sidewalk, because then his little moped isn’t taking up a whole darn parking spot, but line-cutting is pretty middle-school-ish. Who does that? I would probably say something before any guy would, and would he dare hit a woman? If so, he is most unmanly and would get a taste of some good cayenne pepper and knee-to-groin action… fun stuff.

  4. mistermanly says:

    Hi MJ,

    I see your point about the parking space, but it still seems rude. As to hitting a woman, these days it wouldn’t surprise me at all. I blame television programming and movies going way back to, “To the moon Alice! One of these days, to the moon!” As to a taste of pepper spray, I’ve meant for some time now to try some on Mexican food, but I keep forgetting. I’ll let you know how it works if I ever remember. Oh, and I saw some not that long ago that was made with habanaro pepper instead of cayenne, and was promoted as being even more effective. That one I won’t be taste testing.

    Mister Manly

  5. betme says:

    Wonderful advice as always. Maybe after you dismantle the bike, you shoud distribute the various pieces into the beds of several different pickup trucks in the area.

  6. mistermanly says:

    Hi b,

    That’s an interesting concept for adding a bit of additional punishment, however, at least in Memphis, most of the parts would disappear quite rapidly as passersby snagged the pieces that caught their interest. What a fine place to live.

    Mister Manly

  7. liquid says:

    I like, “Hey Bud………”

    WHAP!

    But, I’m wierd.

  8. mistermanly says:

    Hi l,

    Weird, but interesting.

    Mister Manly

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