Introducing the Manly Scale

Being a man, I like to measure things as exactly as possible.  You can tell we like that sort of thing by looking at all the things we’ve made up scales for: hurricanes, tornadoes, earthquakes, etc.  Thus, in an attempt to make my advice clearer, I’ve developed the Manly Scale.  It goes like this:

As you can see, being more manly than most, I’m not settling for one of those tiny scales that runs up to 5 or 10.  The Manly Scale has a full range of 201 Manly Units to work with and will, hopefully, allow me to give more explicit advice.  For instance, to define the manliness of bar fights we have:

fighting +25 MU (Manly Units)

drinking +40 MU

night in jail  -50 MU

lost front tooth +15 MU

new scar  +20 MU

$850 charge for damages to bar  -15 MU

banned from favorite bar  -25 MU

sleeping on couch for a week -15 MU

total: -5 MU

Thus, in this instance, a bar fight, while fun, is not manly.

I can hardly wait to apply this to a real request for advice, so keep those emails coming.

Mister Manly

Advertisements

13 Responses to Introducing the Manly Scale

  1. Girly says:

    Love it!

  2. mistermanly says:

    Hi Girly,

    Which makes me happy. Considering that this sense of pleasure involves a female, but without physical contact, that’s a +5 MU.

    Mister Manly

  3. Patrick says:

    Mr Manly,
    I think my score is 0, when I rate myself. Many have called me ‘androgynous’ and sometimes even just genderless. I don’t even know if this is good or bad, as I’m definitely a man in the physical sense.

    Anyways, I’m going to just off the top of my head list some characteristics and behaviors that I’ve shown over the last 24 hours, and would like you to apply the scale and give me a rating.

    Here goes:

    Didn’t wash my hair.
    Banged my head against my binder to observe how many flakes came down.
    Tried to find a unique design from those flakes.
    Worked until after 10:00 every night this week.
    Used a widget to peek at the basketball score on my computer. If Boston was up, then felt it was safe to watch.
    Reading a book called “Overachievement.”
    Didn’t get my scheduled workout in and this has caused some worry.
    Let someone use my bus/transit ticket because it still was good for another 45 minutes.
    Wished it would remain cloudy.
    Have an overdue library book, but won’t return it cause need to finish reading it. Yes, the “Overachievement” book again.
    Didn’t write down all the food that I ate during the past few days.
    Didn’t write down anything in my sleep journal.

    Thanks…
    -patrick

  4. mistermanly says:

    Hi Patrick,

    Glad to help.

    Didn’t wash my hair. +10 MU
    Banged my head against my binder to observe how many flakes came down. 0 MU
    Tried to find a unique design from those flakes. -15 MU
    Worked until after 10:00 every night this week. 0 MU
    Used a widget to peek at the basketball score on my computer. If Boston was up, then felt it was safe to watch. +20 MU
    Reading a book called “Overachievement.” -5 MU
    Didn’t get my scheduled workout in and this has caused some worry. +25 MU
    Let someone use my bus/transit ticket because it still was good for another 45 minutes. 0 MU
    Wished it would remain cloudy. 0 MU
    Have an overdue library book, but won’t return it cause need to finish reading it. Yes, the “Overachievement” book again. +5 MU
    Didn’t write down all the food that I ate during the past few days. +20 MU
    Didn’t write down anything in my sleep journal. +20 MU

    For a total of + 30 MU. While testosterone isn’t oozing from your pores, that’s not a bad score at all.

    Mister Manly

  5. Patrick says:

    Mr. Manly,
    Thanks! This is an awesome service. I like to track workouts using charts and data, track other stuff using journals, and I may have to add in your scale.
    Maybe off and on I’ll revisit and enter in my various activities for a period, and see how my MU scores fluctuate.

    By the way, is this scale valid for other purposes? What I mean is, can I put some of these numbers down in my resume, or when going on blind dates, or just pop it out in the middle of conversations? For example, “Sorry, I can’t do that tonight, as my MU numbers are a bit low right now…”

    Thanks,
    Patrick

  6. mistermanly says:

    Hi P,

    I’m most glad to be of service, now and in the future. I also encourage you, and everyone else, to use the Manly Scale in every way and at all times that you feel comfortable with. Dang, it’s been so long since I’ve had a blind date that I can’t remember if it’s manly or not.

    Mister Manly

  7. dolf says:

    Allow me to help with the scale of a blind date- you have to wait until the conclusion to rate it. Was it a success? Was she interesting? Will you see her again? Answer yes to these questions and you move into positive territory. Answer no and wonder why your friend would ever set you up with somebody that boring who had an IQ that looks like the final score in a professional soccer game and you are going in the opposite direction. It also says something about where on the scale your friend perceives you.

  8. mistermanly says:

    Hi dolf,

    Well reasoned. Many thanks.

    Mister Manly

  9. Patrick says:

    I don’t know if I should continue with this thread or email you for advice on a separate part, but here goes here…..

    I would like to get my second assessment on the MU scale. Below are some activities I remember doing the past week:

    -stubborn refusal to edit, rewrite, and complete stories and send in submissions

    -counted the number of mosquito bites on my body

    -popped a couple pills of Cold-Fx when didn’t get enough sleep the night before; popped a couple more before attending a function that certainly involved handshakes with many people jetlagged and returning from a week of traveling.

    -wore 2 layers of clothing and thermal underwear while playing football in the summer sun

    -refused being set up with a woman from Hong Kong, despite my relatives’ incessant urging and encourgement, and worries that my single life will cause mental health problems

    -decided not to eat BBQ at a function because afraid of requesting the cook not to burn it, because that may lead meat to be under cooked; and afraid to request cook to cook it well, because that may burn it or leave grill marks, and cause fear in carcinogens

    -rode my bike to work for the first time ever on a day which was actually my holiday

    Thanks,
    patrick

  10. mistermanly says:

    Hi Patrick,

    I’ll make every effort to answer you in a post tomorrow.

    Mister Manly

  11. Virgil Hart says:

    Mr Manly,

    Today, and for the last 3 days running, I have drank whiskey, straight, without ice, on my own, in my bedroom, while playing country music relating to how my wife recently died.

    Today, I also, won a debate relating to politics, ate lamb, listened to drum and bass, read some of soren kierkegaard’s fear and trembling, pissed on a wall, caught a moth for my sister and threw it out of the house.

    The most manly act of the day, was when, in an act of vindictive rage, I stripped my house completely bare of all furnishings, wall paper, carpets, wooden flooring, oil, kitchen applies, even cutlery, because the housing executive have decided to evict me. It was a manly final “fuck you” to the housing executive, who are throwing me out of my home in the name of giving it to some 16 year old pot head just because he got some under age girl banged up…

    I also fought a bear, stabbed a shark and killed a man in Reno just to watch him die.

  12. Virgil Hart says:

    Also, I did no excercise and ate an entire bag of Thai Sweet Chilli crisps and sat up till 4 in the morning because I have no definable sleep pattern.

  13. mistermanly says:

    Hi Virgil,

    It sounds to me like you’re just about ready to head for Nashville. The only experiences you need now are having your pickup truck break and your dog running off. I’m looking forward to your first hit song.

    Mister Manly

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: