Advice for Mary

This email was waiting for me this morning:

Dear Mr. Manly,

My boyfriend is rapidly becoming a wimp.  Over the last few months, he has actually become sensitive and caring.  It’s gotten to the point where he’d rather talk about our feelings in a coffee bar than take me cruising on his hog, which he’s thinking of trading in on a hybrid car.  I can’t stand it.  I blame it on all the TV he watches during the day, now that he’s working the night shift.  If you can’t help me man him up, I’m kicking his ass out. 

Sincerely,

Mary

 

Dear Mary,

You were correct to seek my advice as your boyfriend has become infected with the unmanly propaganda inserted into modern sitcoms.  I would wager that he’s addicted to watching reruns of Friends and MASH.  It may be possible to save him, but it’s going to take immediate and drastic action.

First, make sure that there is always beer in the fridge and a variety of chips next to his favorite chair.  Put them next to a 50 pound dumbbell, which will challenge his manliness.

Next, you have to feed him a steady diet of manly movies.  If he refuses to watch them by choice, you will have to trick him into it.  Disable the cable and leave a stack of DVDs on top of the converter box.  Be very careful with your selections, as a sudden shift in programming like this can have serious side effects, and you don’t want him out picking bar fights and knocking off liquor stores.

I suggest starting with some light John Wayne:

The Quiet Man, Donovan’s Reef, Hellfighters

If he handles those well, move on to some harder core manly material:

Enter the Dragon, Highlander, Predator

He should be starting to toughen up a bit after that, so move up to:

Rocky, Lethal Weapon, Point Break

After that, he’ll probably need a manly comedy fix:

Stripes, Animal House, several Three Stooges episodes

By this point, he should be growing a beard and wearing his leather jacket and a pair of boxers around the house.  Check to see if the dumbbell has been moved and, if it has, hit him with:

Ronin, Commando, Gladiator

If he shows no ill effects, it’s time to head for home base.  Order him pizza for lunch and leave these out:

Dirty Harry, Con Air, Fight Club

He should be pretty much back to his old self at this point but, just to make sure the manliness sticks, another pizza and:

Big Jake, Saving Private Ryan, The Hitman

While that should, in theory, do the trick and give him his machismo back, you might want to buy him season tickets to his favorite sport.  Besides, if he stays girly and you have to kick him out, you’ll have plenty of man bait to attract a new mate.

Best of luck,

Mister Manly

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7 Responses to Advice for Mary

  1. MJ says:

    You could also try blocking certain channels on your cable – include all the channels that show Oprah, the View, Ellen, and any soap operas – or just block everything except Spike TV. Remember that men respond to, um… visual… stimulation. LOL.

  2. mistermanly says:

    Hi MJ,

    That’s a good suggestion and a correct observation.

    Mister Manly

  3. dolf says:

    I am very glad to see that somebody pointed out that having two cars under restoration is very manly. May I add that having anything ex-military in the driveway under restoration (or the front street if the neighbours don’t call bylaw enforcement) is the way to go.

  4. dolf says:

    Ooops… I see that I have posted the wrong comment in the wrong section.

    This response was supposed to read…

    Cut off the cable altogether. Buy him the proper movies and books. Then demand that he arrive at work once or twice a week to take you out for lunch (and demand that he pick you up on the bike.) This is good for preventing him from getting hooked on daytime soaps. It has the added benefit of allowing him the time to fulfill his manly duties- cutting the lawn, washing the bike etc…

  5. mistermanly says:

    Hi dolf,

    I agree with you on the manliness of military vehicle restoration and thanks for reminding me of it. Unfortunately, although a tracked armored vehicle would make a nice addition to the farm, they’re rather difficult to come by in these parts. Your advice to Mary is quite good and I appreciate your contribution.

    Mister Manly

  6. Constance says:

    I’m girly rather than manly, so I don’t actually know, but my own man assures me that Raging Bull, rather than Rocky, is the manly boxing film of choice.

    Your thoughts?

    Thank you,
    Constance

  7. mistermanly says:

    Hi Constance,

    Your man is correct in that Raging Bull is a very manly film, possibly even more manly than Rocky. I suggested Rocky based on availability and its place in modern culture. Thanks for the comment.

    Mister Manly

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