Advice to Mahmoud

I have to admit that this one caught me a bit by surprise.

Dear Mr. Manly,

First allow me to apologize in advance if my interpreters mangle your devilish language.  With that said, my problem concerns my desire to destroy the evil Jews.  While this is not at all uncommon in my culture, I find myself in a position of power from which I may be able to achieve this long held desire through the use of nuclear weapons.  While, obviously, this would be cool on a grand scale, I have my doubts as to the manliness of this course, which is of great importance in my country and, since I like my job a lot, I don’t want to screw up and loose both it and my head.  Your advice on this would be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

Hi Mahmoud,

Considering your deep seated problems where manliness is concerned, I’ll skip over explaining why you need to change your wimp name.  Once you have a chance to follow my advice in this letter, get back to me on that subject.

First, and correct me if I’m wrong, I suspect you are a Muslim.  While, on the surface, this appearers to be a manly religion, what with repressing women and all, closer examination shows that it is really a most un-manly form of religion, since it’s based on the fear that, somehow, females might surpass men in some way, so they can’t be allowed the chance to do so.  Men aren’t afraid of challenges.  In fact, they thrive on them.  Thus, if you are afraid that a woman, once you allow her to cast off her burka, can best you in a camel race, rather than falling back on religion, you should just slice your nuts off with a good sharp knife and get it over with quickly, rather than slowly emasculating yourself through your fear.

Moving on to using nuclear weapons on the Jews and the manliness of such action, you have to ask yourself why you, and your fellow Muslims, have to resort to weapons of mass destruction to kick some Hebrew butt?  Truly, if I remember my facts correctly, Muslims out number Jews by something like 100 to 1.  If those odds aren’t enough to let you win a stand up – face to face fight, then my advice is for you to institute an emergency national program to teach your male population how to knit.  That way, each “man” can make his own burka to hide under when the very tiny population of manly Jews decides to come looking for some Iranian ass to kick.

Sincerely,

Mister Manly

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23 Responses to Advice to Mahmoud

  1. This is hysterical. I love it. Well said. It has enough of my sense of humor and wit that I will make sure I link to it in a future post…good stuff…

  2. mistermanly says:

    Hi Kevin,

    I’m quite pleased that my humble attempt at giving advice pleased you. Actually, if I were less manly, I would be doing some sort of weird dance around the room over your kind praise. Fortunately, I’m not, so I’ll just say thanks, and invite you to come back any time.

    Mister Manly

  3. Virgil Hart says:

    “THERE ARE NO GAYS IN IRAN, I DON’T KNOW WHERE YOU HEARD THAT!”

    Personally, I feel, that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is a Real Life Troll… He’s a pioneer, doing it for the lulz, in RL.

    I respect him.

  4. Pure Evyl says:

    If they were real men they would wear real hats and not dirty laundry.

  5. livininsanity says:

    Excellent post, Mister Manly. I’m officially adding you to the links on my blog. Keep up the good work. I like these type of posts best.

  6. mistermanly says:

    Hi VH,

    The real question about Iran is how many cross dressers are under those burkas?

    Hi Evyl,

    Good point. Perhaps we could tempt them into not building nuclear bombs with a few washing machines?

    Hi MJ,

    *grin*

    Hi l,

    Thank you kindly. I’ll return the favor at once.

    Mister Manly

  7. MJ says:

    Don’t hide your geek side. I tend to think geek=manly in some sort of strange way.

    Either way, geek is sexy to me 😉

    Stop by my blog today for a mission.

  8. mistermanly says:

    Hi MJ,

    I was a computer programmer before we got the farm. Is that geeky enough 😉

    Mister Manly

  9. Girly says:

    This made me LOL 🙂

  10. mistermanly says:

    Hi Girly,

    Then my time was well spent.

    Mister Manly

  11. Girly says:

    Your time is always well spent 🙂

  12. mistermanly says:

    Hi Girly,

    Thanks, but I feel that all this floor sweeping and dusting is a waste of time. I’m fairly certain that, with a bit of redecorating, it would be much more efficient to use the leaf blower. By my calculations, I could cut my average cleaning time down to 30 minutes or less, and it would be a lot more fun.

    Mister Manly

  13. Girly says:

    Hi Mister Manly,

    But, then wouldn’t you just be blowing dust all over the house? Only to have it settle back down again and have to blow it again??

    What about a giant shop vac?? Seems like that might be a better option..but, that is just my humble opinion. 🙂

    Girly

  14. mistermanly says:

    Hi Girly,

    If done properly, all the dust and dirt would blow out an open door. You are correct though, that this would not be the easiest course. My original idea was to replace our hardwood floors with concrete, slopping to a central drain in each room, replace all our antique furniture with patio furniture, and install plastic boxes over all the electronics. That way I could squirt some dish soap around before using a pressure washer to clean the house, including the dirty laundry and dishes, then make a pass with the leaf blower to dry everything. Unfortunately, my wife is attached to all this old stuff, and vetoed the proposal. I was greatly disappointed.

    Mister Manly

  15. Girly says:

    Umm yeah. This is why men need women… well, not the only reason… but… Oh nevermind!

  16. Virgil Hart says:

    “Hi VH,

    The real question about Iran is how many cross dressers are under those burkas?”

    A very valid question, and one which can only be answered by a traditional Iranian witch hunt.

  17. Virgil Hart says:

    Perhaps followed by a traditions Iranian Jew hunt.

  18. writerchick says:

    Oh Mr. Man – you’re my hero.
    WC

  19. Patrick says:

    Mr Manly,

    I’m impressed. When I saw the post, I was a bit worried, and also a bit uncomfortable. You were able to maintain your humor and write eloquently on a sensitive topic…and perhaps risk offending people as well. That was definitely a difficult post to give advice to, and maintain your unique interpretation of the ‘manly’ theme.

    Have you seen the cover of the New Yorker? The satire on Obama and his wife? There was a lot of debate about that at work, but I think I lean towards the side of the New Yorker, in deciding to have it published.

    Humor, when well thought out, can be used educationally, or just for laughs, but when used insensitively, can obviously do lots of damage. When you do your posts, since most of them deal with humor from a certain perspective, do you ever struggle with some of these issues? Debate whether to post or not? And reword language and thoughts?

    -patrick

  20. mistermanly says:

    Hi VH,

    Good points. Surprisingly, I now have a vivid mental image of the proceedings. Thanks.

    Hi WC,

    Excellent.

    Hi Patrick,

    Thank you for the complements. The NY cover was hilarious. I had no idea those people even had a sense of humor, let alone such a good one.

    As to my posts, I tend to be more reserved on this blog. If you want the weird stuff it’s at http://britandgrit.com/ The only thing I thought of that I didn’t post there was a pictorial of famous people flying through the air because of the Qassam rockets stuck up their butts. Although, now that I think about it, I may use that anyway. I do, however, check each and every post, and most of my comments, with an eye toward rewording for clarity and ease of reading.

    Mister Manly

  21. I think you’re right on the money… MM…
    But… Ole’ Mahmoud should cast off his “Members Only ” jacket, and get that burka ready, because he has more than one pissed off Hebrew in his future.
    Maybe you could go over there and teach them to fall on those knitting needles, and save us a few bullets…
    But give it a few days, huh? I could always use an extra sweater… I love to “shop” while I’m traveling…
    Oy Vay Maria!

  22. mistermanly says:

    Hi r,

    Well, even though I had my bags packed and was going to depart for Iran on Monday, I’m a generous host and I’ll grant your request and delay my trip. Good luck with the “shopping.”

    Mister Manly

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