This was waiting for me this morning:
I am in the business of giving advice to teenagers. How can I make my occupation more manly? Thanks.
– Teen Advisor
You have asked a most difficult question, as teenagers are rarely manly and dealing with them tends to suck manliness out of those involved. I will, however, give it my best shot.
1. If you don’t have a manly name, choose one, and use it to sign off on your bits of advice.
2. Personalize you advice by working in mentions of riding your motorcycle, being disappointed that you had to skip your daily weight lifting to provide an answer, and that your typing might be off because of the damage some jerk’s face did to your fist last night.
3. Take every opportunity to work in things like, “While it was acceptable for me to sleep with 57 women without using a condom before I got married, that was back when STDs could be cured with a shot of penicillin. Today, you need to wrap it before you use it!”
4. For those truly troubled teens who are lacking a strong parental influence in their lives, mention that, what with the Internet and all, you can find out where they live and come over in person to kick some sense into their hormone clouded heads.
5. Start a summer camp program to teach teens to ride motorcycles, fish, hunt, handle firearms, or something along those lines. Note that you can probably get Government funding for this.
6. When the young ones admit that they have done something stupid, mention in your reply that you have, back when you were young, done something even more stupid, and that your best friend, who went along with you on the journey got killed in a most horrible way. Make certain that you don’t over play this, but also mention that, every now and then, the nightmares wake you up at night.
7. Mention how bad a crimp having to pay child support to that bitch you knocked up in college has put into your party schedule.
8. Occasionally, work into your writing that you’ve had a minor accident from working on your car, chainsaw, or some other manly project, and mention that your readers shouldn’t worry about it affecting your work, because it doesn’t really hurt enough to bother taking the pain pills.
9. Assuming that you don’t already have one, doctor up a picture of your face with a big scar down one side. Use it for your icon. When a teen asks about it, give them a version of why you are so sorry about killing the guy that did that to you back in high school, but that you are most grateful about having turned your life around.
Hope this helps,