A letter from Al

In response to my post, Advice to Al, Al writes:

Dear “Rabbi MM,”

Oy Vay! After relocating to the South, sometimes I feel like I’ve been wandering in the desert for forty years! You see, when searching for a safe place for my family to live while I prepare for my “shopping expedition to Iran,” I picked this part of the US, because the similarity between “Hebrew” and “Southern English” is uncanny, to the untrained ear…

“Yareckon?”

See what I mean?

BTW: I’ve tried to insure to the locals that Israel is in no way a “Northern Province,” but it seems to fall on “deef” ears. What’s a “carpetbagger?” And why do they spit after they say it?

Mom always taught me that respect for women was mandatory, in a matriarchal society. Everyone knows that America is certainly run by women. After all, if it isn’t, how could Bill Clinton still be alive? Hillary must have exercised her power to keep him amongst the breathing, to be a pawn in her bid to take over the entire world… 

Although (as you so noted earlier)  I’m used to being outnumbered by at least 100 to 1, here in the South, I try to be courteous to the “Gentiles.” After all, when we look up into the night sky, we can see the same heavens…

But thank you for helping me understand the relationship between Southern women and Gloria Steinem. That clears things up, dramatically…

And you’re not fooling anyone about”grits.” Even this Jewish Carpenter knows that grit is adhered to paper, and used to grind down the surface of objects, by using friction…

No one in their right mind would soak anything in poison, to make it palatable. That’s just crazy…

(Although, it would explain why they cover it in cheese, or gravy, or enough pepper to fuel a reactor… Hmmm… I may have to rethink this.)

I suspect the consumption of this “meal” is aimed at grinding down particulates not digestible, yet still existing in the Southern Diet. This would also explain the consumption of “fried catfish,” “boiled peanuts,” and the act of “sucking the heads off crawfish.”

And with crime rates climbing to astronomical levels in the South, I don’t understand the lack of “Second Chance” vests in the Men’s Wear department at Sears. Hey, you can almost build a weapon of mass destruction from components found in the Craftsman Tool Department, you’d have thought some marketing genius would have put two and two together…

I know that people operate under the misconception that we Jews are evil. We really aren’t ignoring you, and we really don’t mean to appear “stand-offish…” It’s just that we’re shy…

Until, you encroach our borders, or harm our “kin.” And then… we spend about six days making you wish that you’d never been born, while we pummel you and all of your ancestors into “couscous…”

And MM, I know that the “Rabbi” within you seeks to teach (and it’s quite an honorable endeavor), but we’re too absorbed with survival, to be concerned with “advanced social education.” So, we teach our children to excel at the school of “kicking butt and taking down names…”

The message we send by holding a door, or slamming your head into it, is clear…

We be nice, if you be nice. If not… We make matzah outta your balls… Even if you tried to hide them in a burka!

And like you, we reserve the right to adjust this “theory” as we go along…

Perhaps one day, over a bottle of 70 year old Single Malt Scotch (kosher, of course), we can spin yarns about the good old days, when men were men, and women… oy vay!… the women…

Thanks, “Rabbi MM,” for sharing your enlightened view of the world we all live in…

And by the way, have you ever noticed that “Sweet Tea” tastes remarkably like “Sweet Crude?” Perhaps it should be looked at as a future energy source?

Shalom

“That which does not kill you… Probably leaves a cool scar. Chicks dig scars.”

Oh, the stories I could tell…

 

This one doesn’t ask for advice, but it does mention Scotch and women and scars, so with Al’s permission, I thought it worth sharing.  You can find Al at The Life and Times of a Renaissance Ronin.  I would add that I have never tasted crude oil so I have no basis for comparison and that one doesn’t suck the head off of crayfish, at least on purpose, but instead sucks the inside out which is mostly very tasty fat.

Mister Manly

Advertisements

9 Responses to A letter from Al

  1. livininsanity says:

    I find it intriguing that any time anyone asks for advice and/or writes a letter, they write it in all italics. Very peculiar.

  2. mistermanly says:

    Hi l,

    It may be peculiar, but it works out well in visually distinguishing what I write from what they write. The universe does us small favors at times 😉

    Mister Manly

  3. MJ says:

    “And with crime rates climbing to astronomical levels in the South, I don’t understand the lack of “Second Chance” vests in the Men’s Wear department at Sears. Hey, you can almost build a weapon of mass destruction from components found in the Craftsman Tool Department, you’d have thought some marketing genius would have put two and two together…”

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
    NO KIDDING.

  4. mistermanly says:

    Hi MJ,

    Looking on the bright side, we are fortunate that our local miscreants are too poorly educated to build sophisticated weapons. Most of them are to stupid to assemble a BLT sandwich.

    Mister Manly

  5. Sarah says:

    yay for jews. Just had to promote:)

  6. mistermanly says:

    Hi Sarah,

    Jews, as best I can tell from personal experience, the Old Testament, and modern history, definitely produce a high percentage of manly men, and even a few manly women. What I have yet to figure out is why, over so many years, so many people dislike them so much? It’s most perplexing.

    Mister Manly

  7. Sarah says:

    manly,
    ever meet an israeli soldier? the king that learn, at age 18, how to kill with two fingers, just because you look at them funny?
    if that isnt the manliest thing i know . i dont know what is.

  8. mistermanly says:

    Hi Sarah,

    While I haven’t met any members of the Israeli military, I have known the type of person you mention and they’re not all that manly, as an important part of that condition is having the self control not to kill someone over trivial matters.

    Mister Manly

  9. HEY! Are you lookin’ at me? ‘Cuz if you’re lookin’ at me… LOL!
    Sarah; you said; “… the king that learn…”
    Are you talking about Elvis?
    Elvis is definitely NOT kosher… But, Red West… now, HE might be kosher…
    And MM is right (as much as I hate to admit it… grumble… grumble… snort!), “restraint” is an important part of our military training… Otherwise we have to use the “evasion” part of our training… to avoid prosecution…
    I gotta go now, I have a peanut butter and banana sandwich in the deep-fat-fryer…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: