Manly Halloween tips

October 28, 2008

With the approach of Halloween, which is a rather confusing holiday in many ways, I’ve had a few requests for tips on how to remain manly during the festivities.  Here they are, and take note that this advice is for adults only:

1.  Fake weapons are NOT manly.  It’s quite appropriate to dress up as a pirate or cowboy or such, but for true manliness, the swords, knives, chainsaws, and pistols involved have to be real and functional.  Guns should be unloaded and edged weapons should remain in their sheaths but, unless you’re a trained actor, you’ll never get the proper swagger in your step carrying a piece of plastic.

2.  Bobbing for apples is not manly, although you may be able to pull it off if you’re bald.

3.  No costume in pink is appropriate.

4.  No tights unless you’re just looking for a fight.

5.  Be careful not to go overboard with feathers.  One or two as hat ornaments are OK; any more and you’re taking a big chance with your macho status.

6.  Always give out good candy and make certain to have a sufficient supply on hand.  Otherwise, you may be forced to physically detain a neighborhood kid for egging your house, and that’s a no win situation.

7.  In these strange times, make absolutely sure you know who, or what, you’re flirting with at the costume party.

8.  Punch is not manly, even if real eyeballs are floating in it.  Insist on a beer.  If none is available, the party is not manly, so you can either leave or fetch some from the cooler in your truck.

9.  Costumes that restrict your freedom of motion are not manly, for the simple reason that, should a fight start, you are likely to get your butt kicked.  Also, I would point out that something like getting your butt kicked while wearing a giant condom costume may lower your manliness to the point where a sex change operation is your only option.

10. Trick or treating is not manly.  Well, not for candy anyway.

Enjoy yourselves and, remember, let’s be manly out there.

Mister Manly


Representive John Murtha should kiss my redneck ass.

October 21, 2008

While I, Mister Manly, don’t normally like getting into political issues as, apart from military funding, they’re generally pretty wimpy, I find it impossible not to make an exception in the case of Rep. John Murtha because of his recent comment about rednecks.  Earlier in the week this feeble minded fool blamed his own constituantents lack of enthusiam for voting for Obama on their racism.  When called to task for this remark, he appoligised and insisted that it was only a reaction to the high redneck population in the area that made him mention it at all.

So, being a member of the minority that the fat aging brain damaged good Representative feels comfortable about insulting, I’d just like to issue an invitation to his sorry ass to come down here and settle it like men.  I know that at some point in his distant past he must have been a man since he was a Marine.  While it’s truly sad to see someone like that sink into the depths of insanity, his remarks are also beyond tollerating.  Still, since it’s obvious that, even though I am starting to feel the effects of age, I’d kill him with the first punch, let us make it fair.  You, John, bring whatever “friends” you have in the House down, and I’ll invite my black friends, who are all Democrats by the way but who I’m thinking would like to take a swing or three at you elitist Yankee assholes, and we’ll have a big fun brawl on my front lawn.  Heck, I’ll even buy the beer.

While you’re trying to work up enough courage to even consider my challenge, shove this up your Cut-And_Run old ass:

While you’re at it, bring Obama with you.  I may have a few years on him, but I’d purely love to take a shot at him.  Oh, and make sure Pelosi is in attendance.  Some of the local ladies are just dieing to have some of her hair 🙂

Bring it, you intollerant bastard!
Mister Manly

Advice to Stanley

October 14, 2008

I received this email this morning:

Dear Mister Manly,

My job requires me to walk through public places most of the day.  Normally, I enjoy being out and about with the general population, but lately I’ve had some difficulties with political activists getting in my face over their stupid beliefs.  I’ve had this happen in the past with religious freeks, but it was pretty well understood with the local law enforcement people that kicking their asses out of your way was quite alright.  I figure that the same should apply to political fanatics, but I’m not getting any vibe from the local cops.

Can I kick some butt or not?


Dear Stanley,

First, since I can feel your pain, I will exercise great self restraint and not go into what I think about your name.  So, moving past that minor problem, I would say that my reading of the Constitution includes something about your freedom of expression where politics is involved.  While the original document only specifically mentions “freedom of speech” in this area, recent Supreme Court rulings have extended this right to include burning the American Flag and other minor acts of violence preformed in the name of “liberty.”  Thus, and the key here is restraint, I see no reason why a good lawyer couldn’t make a great case that inflicting a bit of bodily harm on some twit who gets in your face about some political candidate wouldn’t fall under the same right of free expression of political opinion. 

On the other hand, I’m not a lawyer, nor would I want to be one, so my advice in this area may be questionable.  On the gripping hand, if you have good enough lawyers, as the OJ murder case demonstrates, it really doesn’t matter what the law actually is.  Beyond that, if you don’t go to extremes in dealing out some physical discouragement to political pests, and even if the local police decide to waste time on your case, assault on that level is usually a misdemeanor, and first time offenders get off with probation.

Still, if one is sly, there is no need for any legally actionable criminal action.  For instance, when a sign waving political activist starts to block your way, simply pretend to stumble, fall forward, and drive an elbow into the twit’s stomach.  Apologize profusely and, while attempting to help him up, fall to the side and dislocate his arm while falling.  At this point, you should probably make a show of having injuries of your own, and do some yelling for medical assistance.  Who knows, if the twit in question is an employee of some serious political campaign, you might even be able to get some insane monetary compensation from them in future legal actions.  Ain’t it a great country?

Mister Manley

Manly gifts for the politically active.

October 8, 2008

It has been brought to my attention that there is a lot of political activity in the country at this time, and that some men seem to be almost as interested in supporting their favorite candidates as in football.  While I find this difficult to believe, people do crazy things and even the insane deserve to follow their individual delusions in a manly way.  Thus, if anyone out there wants to gift one of these men with something to appeal to their political passion here are some ideas.

The first one is a do-it-your-self kit rather than a single purchase.  I highly recommend this one if you want to get him to stop screaming at the TV for a while and back into the workshop so you can relax.  This group of products, combined with a bit of basic manufacturing and some elbow grease, is intended to counter that most dastardly form of political activity, the stealing of yard signs.

The starting point for this project is a steel fence post:

These are known as T-posts and are frequently used instead of wooden posts to support field fencing designed to keep cattle weighing a ton or so from wondering away from where they are supposed to be.  Compared to the thin wooden stake that the normal political sign comes with, these are like a main battle tank parked next to a skateboard.  They come in various lengths, and for this purpose I recommend the 7″ version.  Your average political sign is displayed at most 3 feet high, so that leaves 4 feet of metal to pound into the ground as an anchor.  They cost less than $7 each and can be purchased at most of the big hardware stores and at Tractor Supply Company.

Of course, to get them into the ground the proper tool is needed,

and that is a post driver, around $40 from the same store that sells you the T-posts.  Basically, this is a section of metal pipe with one end firmly capped and handles wielded on.  To use it, you ram the post into the ground deep enough to hold itself up, put the open end of this over the top, and lift and drop until the post is pounded to the desired depth.  This process makes a lot of noise, so you may want to toss in some ear protection.  It’s also really good exercise, so you may want to toss in some pain killers.

The next item needed is a metal sheet,

I recommend 12 ga stainless steel which you can get for well under $100, depending on the size.  Measure one of his yard signs to determine the appropriate dimensions.

Next is a sheet of high grade acrylic,

This is the stuff they make bullet proof windows from, and this one is coated to resist scratches and chemical stains.  The 1/8″ should do just fine and is less than $80.

Have him drill matching holes in each corner of the steel and plastic sheets.  Take the wimpy stick off the political sign of his choice and place it face up on the steel plate.  Cover with the acrylic.  Bolt it in place (he should have these on hand or will know where to get them.)  Pound in the T-post.  Spot wield or epoxy the steel plate to the post.  Oh, and prior to driving in the post, make sure that no underground infrastructure will be damaged, like gas lines and such. 

The result will be a political sign that will last for years, be the envy of the neighborhood, and easily withstand any casual assault.  Just the mental image of the look on the face of the first person who attempts to snatch it on a middle of the night run is well worth the expense and effort.

Speaking of which, if you’ve got a great sign, why limit the viewing of it to the daylight hours?  Thus a few of these may be appropriate:

These being high intensity solar powered disguised as rocks flood lights. They’re less than $35, buy several, make sure everyone sees those signs.  During the non-political seasons you can use them to light your drive way or something.

Then there are those times where the political signs must be carried around.  This is usually called a “demonstration.”  Most often, signs are handed out on site and consist of a thin wooden handle with a bit of printed cardboard stapled to it.  Hardly manly, and next to worthless when the riot police show up.  That’s where this:

telescoping aluminum rod comes in.  When the three automatically locking sections are fully extended they form an 8′ rod, but when collapsed will easily fit into even a small car.  A few drops of super glue will quickly attach any bit of lightweight political display.  At full extension this item will allow your sign to be seen above the crowd, and when collapsed it makes a much better weapon than a cheap softwood twig.  It’s a bargain at $35.

Of course, sometimes it’s manly to go overboard and this:

probably falls into that category for most people.  That’s an Xtreme-Beam portable laser light show system, ranging in price and power from $6,000 to $30,000, and with which you can paint your desired political slogan on anything from the side of your house to a skyscraper.  In the off season you can use it to display all sorts of other stuff.

On the other hand, there are other senses beyond the visual and this,

gives the politically active individual leverage on what others hear.  It’s MiniVox Lite PA System, and for less than $400 allows one to walk around for up to 12 hours amplifying whatever you want to say to 109 dB.  Personally, I want one just to make my wife listen to me when I talk and to scare the heck out of the dogs.  I can also see some fun applications it might have in restaurants with less than attentive waiters/waitresses.

Finally, for the man who likes to staple signs to telephone poles,

get him the right tool.  The Stanley Bostitch Power Slam Hammer Tacker is that tool.  For around $35, this implement will allow you to pound a staple into a hard surface just by swinging it like a hammer.  I have, in my youth, used more primitive versions of this tool to plaster political, and other types of, signs all over and, with a tiny bit of practice, I developed the ability to affix a sign to any wooden surface, with three staples for a sure hold, in less than a second.  I can only have marvelous dreams as to how fast posters can be put up with this high tech tool.

Oh, and remember to vote.  It doesn’t matter for who, but the act of voting fulfills a responsibility, and that is manly.  Of course, these days it’s also womanly, but historically it was manly, so everybody go vote!

Mister Manly

Manly Gifts for suicidal Wall Street types

October 1, 2008

Down through history it has, upon occasion, been necessary for some individuals to kill themselves for various reasons.  I figure that, given the current economic crisis which, without presenting any evidence, our political leaders insist exists, at least a few Wall Street types may decide to take this way out.  So, I continue figuring, they may as well go in a manly fashion.

One of the earlier methods of suicide was “falling on one’s sword.”  The Romans, if I remember correctly, were quite taken with this, so:

what better gift for your brave executive than a modern replica of the standard issue weapon of the Legions.  And this one is better than the original, being made of modern steel, hand fashioned in the Damascus tradition, making it worth every penny of the $600 price tag.  I would also point out that, once someone rich and famous impales them self on it, the resell value is bound to go up significantly.

If, however, your Wall Street Warrior is looking for a more modern ending, then

the Smith & Wesson Model 500 revolver is THE classy tool for the job.  While this stainless steel pistol only holds five rounds, since those bullets are .50 magnums packing something like four times the muzzle energy of Dirty Harry’s .44, a single shot should, even with a grazing hit, do the job quite nicely.  I would also point out that the gun is a good deal heavier than most, which should cut down on hand trembling as the trigger is pulled that last time.  Even if you can’t get the police to wipe the blood off for several weeks, the metal and rubber grips should hold up nicely, leaving you a functional weapon for your $1,100 investment after the investigation is over.

And don’t forget the ammunition, which can be purchased from the same source:

On the other hand, if your guy picks the “going postal” route and decides to settle a few office grudges before the police do him the favor of ending his existence,

go for the Heckler & Kosch MP5.  Sure it’s an older bit of technology, but it’s reliability and ease of use continues to make it a favorite of SWAT teams and special forces units around the world.  It’s also small enough to smuggle into the office in a briefcase along with a few dozen 30 round magazines.  So, for $20,000+ your man can make up for his lack of marksmanship (I’m guessing that most financial executives haven’t had much firearms training) by spraying 700 rounds a minute around the office.

Then again, if your greedy evil rich man is the sort who wants to make a final statement out of his passing,

nothing adds that touch of nostalgic drama like a quick slice with a straight razor, and this one is about as good as they get, making the $250 price tag most reasonable for a final going away present.

While it may not be as news worthy as mass murder in the work place, I’ve always considered plowing into a bridge abutment at high speed in a fancy sports car a highly manly way to make a lasting exit.  If this would be your man’s preference in eternal travel arrangements, then it would be hard to go wrong by imitating James Dean.

If you have the cash, and I’m thinking that anyone sufficiently involved in the crimes leading up to our “financial crisis” pretty much has to, then for a mere $800,000 you can pick up a 1956 Porsche 550A/1500 RS Spyder escape vehicle.  I would, however, ask that you don’t snap up the last one, as I may need one some day.

Which ever path your guy chooses to make his way to the Great Beyond, he would almost certainly appreciate a last drink,

and I would be hard pressed to find something better on short notice than Macallan 30YR Single Malt Scotch Whisky.  True, I haven’t had the opportunity to sample this elixir, but at $900 per bottle it pretty much has to be good.

Mister Manly