Down through history it has, upon occasion, been necessary for some individuals to kill themselves for various reasons. I figure that, given the current economic crisis which, without presenting any evidence, our political leaders insist exists, at least a few Wall Street types may decide to take this way out. So, I continue figuring, they may as well go in a manly fashion.
One of the earlier methods of suicide was “falling on one’s sword.” The Romans, if I remember correctly, were quite taken with this, so:
what better gift for your brave executive than a modern replica of the standard issue weapon of the Legions. And this one is better than the original, being made of modern steel, hand fashioned in the Damascus tradition, making it worth every penny of the $600 price tag. I would also point out that, once someone rich and famous impales them self on it, the resell value is bound to go up significantly.
If, however, your Wall Street Warrior is looking for a more modern ending, then
the Smith & Wesson Model 500 revolver is THE classy tool for the job. While this stainless steel pistol only holds five rounds, since those bullets are .50 magnums packing something like four times the muzzle energy of Dirty Harry’s .44, a single shot should, even with a grazing hit, do the job quite nicely. I would also point out that the gun is a good deal heavier than most, which should cut down on hand trembling as the trigger is pulled that last time. Even if you can’t get the police to wipe the blood off for several weeks, the metal and rubber grips should hold up nicely, leaving you a functional weapon for your $1,100 investment after the investigation is over.
And don’t forget the ammunition, which can be purchased from the same source:
On the other hand, if your guy picks the “going postal” route and decides to settle a few office grudges before the police do him the favor of ending his existence,
go for the Heckler & Kosch MP5. Sure it’s an older bit of technology, but it’s reliability and ease of use continues to make it a favorite of SWAT teams and special forces units around the world. It’s also small enough to smuggle into the office in a briefcase along with a few dozen 30 round magazines. So, for $20,000+ your man can make up for his lack of marksmanship (I’m guessing that most financial executives haven’t had much firearms training) by spraying 700 rounds a minute around the office.
Then again, if your greedy evil rich man is the sort who wants to make a final statement out of his passing,
nothing adds that touch of nostalgic drama like a quick slice with a straight razor, and this one is about as good as they get, making the $250 price tag most reasonable for a final going away present.
While it may not be as news worthy as mass murder in the work place, I’ve always considered plowing into a bridge abutment at high speed in a fancy sports car a highly manly way to make a lasting exit. If this would be your man’s preference in eternal travel arrangements, then it would be hard to go wrong by imitating James Dean.
If you have the cash, and I’m thinking that anyone sufficiently involved in the crimes leading up to our “financial crisis” pretty much has to, then for a mere $800,000 you can pick up a 1956 Porsche 550A/1500 RS Spyder escape vehicle. I would, however, ask that you don’t snap up the last one, as I may need one some day.
Which ever path your guy chooses to make his way to the Great Beyond, he would almost certainly appreciate a last drink,
and I would be hard pressed to find something better on short notice than Macallan 30YR Single Malt Scotch Whisky. True, I haven’t had the opportunity to sample this elixir, but at $900 per bottle it pretty much has to be good.