Manly Gifts for suicidal Wall Street types

Down through history it has, upon occasion, been necessary for some individuals to kill themselves for various reasons.  I figure that, given the current economic crisis which, without presenting any evidence, our political leaders insist exists, at least a few Wall Street types may decide to take this way out.  So, I continue figuring, they may as well go in a manly fashion.

One of the earlier methods of suicide was “falling on one’s sword.”  The Romans, if I remember correctly, were quite taken with this, so:

what better gift for your brave executive than a modern replica of the standard issue weapon of the Legions.  And this one is better than the original, being made of modern steel, hand fashioned in the Damascus tradition, making it worth every penny of the $600 price tag.  I would also point out that, once someone rich and famous impales them self on it, the resell value is bound to go up significantly.

If, however, your Wall Street Warrior is looking for a more modern ending, then

the Smith & Wesson Model 500 revolver is THE classy tool for the job.  While this stainless steel pistol only holds five rounds, since those bullets are .50 magnums packing something like four times the muzzle energy of Dirty Harry’s .44, a single shot should, even with a grazing hit, do the job quite nicely.  I would also point out that the gun is a good deal heavier than most, which should cut down on hand trembling as the trigger is pulled that last time.  Even if you can’t get the police to wipe the blood off for several weeks, the metal and rubber grips should hold up nicely, leaving you a functional weapon for your $1,100 investment after the investigation is over.

And don’t forget the ammunition, which can be purchased from the same source:

On the other hand, if your guy picks the “going postal” route and decides to settle a few office grudges before the police do him the favor of ending his existence,

go for the Heckler & Kosch MP5.  Sure it’s an older bit of technology, but it’s reliability and ease of use continues to make it a favorite of SWAT teams and special forces units around the world.  It’s also small enough to smuggle into the office in a briefcase along with a few dozen 30 round magazines.  So, for $20,000+ your man can make up for his lack of marksmanship (I’m guessing that most financial executives haven’t had much firearms training) by spraying 700 rounds a minute around the office.

Then again, if your greedy evil rich man is the sort who wants to make a final statement out of his passing,

nothing adds that touch of nostalgic drama like a quick slice with a straight razor, and this one is about as good as they get, making the $250 price tag most reasonable for a final going away present.

While it may not be as news worthy as mass murder in the work place, I’ve always considered plowing into a bridge abutment at high speed in a fancy sports car a highly manly way to make a lasting exit.  If this would be your man’s preference in eternal travel arrangements, then it would be hard to go wrong by imitating James Dean.

If you have the cash, and I’m thinking that anyone sufficiently involved in the crimes leading up to our “financial crisis” pretty much has to, then for a mere $800,000 you can pick up a 1956 Porsche 550A/1500 RS Spyder escape vehicle.  I would, however, ask that you don’t snap up the last one, as I may need one some day.

Which ever path your guy chooses to make his way to the Great Beyond, he would almost certainly appreciate a last drink,

and I would be hard pressed to find something better on short notice than Macallan 30YR Single Malt Scotch Whisky.  True, I haven’t had the opportunity to sample this elixir, but at $900 per bottle it pretty much has to be good.

Mister Manly


11 Responses to Manly Gifts for suicidal Wall Street types

  1. Hey, this could make a great plot for a made4tv movie!

    Ronin gets in his ’56 Porsche, after finding out he’s not really feeling all that Jewish. He gets all liquored up on Macallan Single Malt (Scotch that good has to be kosher) and heads out to find the double-dealing Rabbi that convinced him to swear off women, drugs, Scotch, and more women…

    Ronin races through downtown, catching air at every intersection, just like a Steve McQueen car chase, as women hurriedly snatch up children and drag them off the street.

    Ronin pumps 700 rounds or so into a Starbucks, as he races past. Why? Because it’s a Starbucks! It’s not like it was a “Hooters,” or anything…

    Finally, armed with his nickle-plated Smith Model 500 and an MP5, he storms the synagogue, and sprays the Coca Cola machine with hot lead. Why? Because that way, we get another cool million for the production budget. Ammo ain’t cheap, ya know…

    Imagine Ronin’s chagrin when G-d speaks to him, and in a booming voice tells him that “Scotch isn’t kosher!”

    Ronin slowly turns handgun on himself as screen fades to black…


    Ah shit… missed…

  2. MJ says:

    Great post! Isn’t it a big thing in Japan for failing businessmen to take their own lives? I think the guy who headed Mattel there committed suicide a few years back…

    Don’t forget that they could just run out to a small town in gun-clinging Middle America, declare themselves a crook from Wall Street, and then let things take care of themselves…

  3. mistermanly says:

    Hi RR,

    Sounds like a fun trip, for the most part. Of course, any god that tells me I can’t drink Scotch had better be bullet proof. Which makes me think the story could be extended.

    Ah shit … missed. The heavy slug with a tremendous amount of accumulated energy, however, doesn’t drop safely to the floor, but pushes through the cheap modern construction of the synagogue wall, flies free and clear for half a mile or so, goes through a stained glass window without even noticing, and splatters the head of the Pope, who was making a secret visit to coordinate the Catholic vote for the upcoming elections, all over the back wall of the conference room. Within a matter of hours, ballistic experts figure out the origin of the fatal shot and, shortly there after, this bit of information is leaked to the press, which plasters it across every newspaper and TV set in the free world.

    The public outrage at this, and there would be so much from so many diverse sources, forces both Presidential Candidates to renounce Israel and Jews in general. Seeing the writing on the wall, even the Jews in Congress fall over themselves to vote in favor of cutting off all ties to Israel. The next day, war erupts in the Middle East.

    Things look bad for the Jews for a day or two, but then they manage to take advantage of the less than coordinated nature of their numerous opponents and begin to get the best of the fight. Of course, at this point things go horribly wrong when Russia, still pissed that they lost the Cold War, starts air lifting “advisers” and military supplies into Syria. As the tide of battle begins to turn, the US President, who was looking forward to quietly riding out the last days of his second term in office, gets to thinking about his “legacy,” and launches a good deal of our ICBMs at Russia, the Middle East in general, Pakistan, India, China and, in a surprise move, Canada.

    While said President is assassinated the next day by his wife, he wins the Nobel Peace Prize a decade later after climate scientists confirm that the nuclear attack saved the planet from Global Warming.

    Hi MJ,

    The Japanese have been fond of ritual suicide for several centuries. It seems to work for their culture. It also causes me mental problems as, since their women also do it when necessary and I’m thinking it takes a hefty amount of guts to slice your belly open, it’s difficult to make a determination as to the manliness of the act.

    Unfortunately, I suspect that your Middle America scenario won’t produce the desired result. Unlike Big City Liberals, small town folks also cling to obeying the law, so the worst that would could be expected is a good beating and some jail time. People seeking this sort of death should plaster themselves with McCain stickers and run through the rougher section of any big city.

    Mister Manly

  4. sarahm says:

    mmmm…. guns make me happy…..

  5. mistermanly says:

    Hi Sarah,

    It’s nice to know we have something else in common.

    Mister Manly

  6. Pure Evyl says:

    I would also recommend the AR-15 for going postal. If it’s good enough to kill terrorists it should be good enough to take out some co-workers.

  7. mistermanly says:

    Hi Evyl,

    The AR-15 is an excellent weapon and one I considered for this post. In many ways it would be a better choice than the MP5. Concealability, however, is most important in this case, so I went with the smaller weapon. After all, we are talking about New York here, and their police seem right touchy where firearms are concerned.

    Mister Manly

  8. livininsanity says:

    Staying Manly? It looks like a manly post… with all those weapons and whisky and cars. 🙂

  9. mistermanly says:

    Hi livin,

    Just targeting my advice toward the audience that, I suspect, needs it most. Really, how many Wall Street types are going to know how to get modern high rise windows open, meaning they won’t be able to jump, and will be looking for other options.

    Mister Manly

  10. Mr.C. says:

    May I suggest the Fairbairn Sykes fighting knife? I know that the lowly price tag is off putting but it truly is an iconic item, and it’s one and only purpose is to kill, it seems a shame not to make use of that.

  11. mistermanly says:

    Hi Mr. C.,

    Make yourself at home and suggest as you see fit. It is, truly, manly to share your wisdom on manly topics. In this case though, while fighting knives are manly, and I will one day devote a post to them, I suspect most executive types, outside of Japan, don’t have the cultural background to use one in a suicide attempt. This is why I recommended the straight razor, as in Western cultures it has been associated with such acts in print and film and that might make it easier for them to proceed with their self termination. We don’t, after all, want them to botch the job and tie up medical facilities that others need.

    Don’t be a stranger,
    Mister Manly

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