Advice to Stanley

I received this email this morning:

Dear Mister Manly,

My job requires me to walk through public places most of the day.  Normally, I enjoy being out and about with the general population, but lately I’ve had some difficulties with political activists getting in my face over their stupid beliefs.  I’ve had this happen in the past with religious freeks, but it was pretty well understood with the local law enforcement people that kicking their asses out of your way was quite alright.  I figure that the same should apply to political fanatics, but I’m not getting any vibe from the local cops.

Can I kick some butt or not?

Stanley

Dear Stanley,

First, since I can feel your pain, I will exercise great self restraint and not go into what I think about your name.  So, moving past that minor problem, I would say that my reading of the Constitution includes something about your freedom of expression where politics is involved.  While the original document only specifically mentions “freedom of speech” in this area, recent Supreme Court rulings have extended this right to include burning the American Flag and other minor acts of violence preformed in the name of “liberty.”  Thus, and the key here is restraint, I see no reason why a good lawyer couldn’t make a great case that inflicting a bit of bodily harm on some twit who gets in your face about some political candidate wouldn’t fall under the same right of free expression of political opinion. 

On the other hand, I’m not a lawyer, nor would I want to be one, so my advice in this area may be questionable.  On the gripping hand, if you have good enough lawyers, as the OJ murder case demonstrates, it really doesn’t matter what the law actually is.  Beyond that, if you don’t go to extremes in dealing out some physical discouragement to political pests, and even if the local police decide to waste time on your case, assault on that level is usually a misdemeanor, and first time offenders get off with probation.

Still, if one is sly, there is no need for any legally actionable criminal action.  For instance, when a sign waving political activist starts to block your way, simply pretend to stumble, fall forward, and drive an elbow into the twit’s stomach.  Apologize profusely and, while attempting to help him up, fall to the side and dislocate his arm while falling.  At this point, you should probably make a show of having injuries of your own, and do some yelling for medical assistance.  Who knows, if the twit in question is an employee of some serious political campaign, you might even be able to get some insane monetary compensation from them in future legal actions.  Ain’t it a great country?

Mister Manley

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6 Responses to Advice to Stanley

  1. Pure Evyl says:

    For some reason I cannot picture anyone named Stanley whipping anyone’s butt. Now a Stanley being the subject of an asswhuppin’ is something that I can picture. If Stanley is to whip anyone’s butt, I would suggest a name change.

  2. Pure Evyl: I bet Mister Manly’s middle name is Stanley. It’s why he’s so militant about his “manliness…”

    But, I have it on good authority that ole’ MM is really quite a softie. Here’s what I heard…

    Back in the dark alleys of Memphis, an Elvis Impersonator pulled over as his wife went into labor in the middle of the night. Mister Manly, on his way home after sneaking out to get a Fried Peanut Butter and Banana sandwich, heard the call for help and never one to shirk helping out in a crisis, offered up his “manly” assistance…

    Always prepared, and since there was no electricity, Mister Manly handed the father-to-be a lantern and said;

    “Here. You hold this way up high so I can see what I am doing!”

    Soon, after quite a struggle, a little red faced baby boy was brought into the world. The Elvis Impersonator took one look at the little boy, and said;

    “Well, I reckon we’ll call him Red.”

    “Whoa there”, said Mister Manly, “Don’t be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think there’s another one coming.”

    Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a beautiful baby girl. The Rhinestone jumpsuit wearing dad-to-be looked down at the wee lass, and said; “I guess we’ll name her Priscilla!”

    “Wait! Whatever drugs you’ve been eatin must have worked, because you best keep holding that lantern up, and don’t set it down, ‘cuz here comes another one!” said Mister Manly.

    Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby! This time it was another little girl, looking the worse for the delivery.

    Again, “Almost Elvis” looked at the child, and said “Well, that one’s name is gonna be Lisa Marie!”

    “Now, don’t be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there’s yet another one coming!’ cried out Mister Manly.

    The Elvis Impersonator, looking like he was ready to start running for the “Heartbreak Hotel,” scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked Mister Manly;

    “You reckon it might be the light that’s attractin’ ’em?”

    Go ahead… admit it… you laughed out loud didn’t you…

    And plenty of tough guys were named Stanley.

    Lemme see… there’s Stan Musial, and Stan Schmidt (a living legend and one of the most senior Shotokan teacher’s in the world), Stanley Tookie Williams (who co-founded the Crips Street Gang, and who survived several assassination attempts, sometimes even bare-fisted), and I’m sure they didn’t name the Stanley Cup after a bunch of wimps! LOL!

  3. MJ says:

    I have often asked about this when it come to my little self being alone at night. The cop insists I pack heat, so I do, but I always ask what would happen if someone did attack me and I shot them.

    Listen closely, as this might apply to this situation. You tell them “I feared for my life.” And that’s why you did it. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.

    “I swear, the way he was waving that sign/hand/clipboard, I thought he was going to attack me with it! I feared for my life! And that’s why I pummeled him…”

  4. mistermanly says:

    Hi Evyl,

    I suspect Stanley is an alias. He probably got it from some of his power tools.

    Hi rr,

    Good points and some excellent joke recycling.

    Hi MJ,

    Sound advice. I’ll have to spend some time practicing that so I can say it convincingly.

    Mister Manly

  5. sarahm says:

    I love it. laughter ensuing!

  6. mistermanly says:

    Hi Sarah,

    There’s not much better than a woman’s laughter. Thanks.

    Mister Manly

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