With the approach of Halloween, which is a rather confusing holiday in many ways, I’ve had a few requests for tips on how to remain manly during the festivities. Here they are, and take note that this advice is for adults only:
1. Fake weapons are NOT manly. It’s quite appropriate to dress up as a pirate or cowboy or such, but for true manliness, the swords, knives, chainsaws, and pistols involved have to be real and functional. Guns should be unloaded and edged weapons should remain in their sheaths but, unless you’re a trained actor, you’ll never get the proper swagger in your step carrying a piece of plastic.
2. Bobbing for apples is not manly, although you may be able to pull it off if you’re bald.
3. No costume in pink is appropriate.
4. No tights unless you’re just looking for a fight.
5. Be careful not to go overboard with feathers. One or two as hat ornaments are OK; any more and you’re taking a big chance with your macho status.
6. Always give out good candy and make certain to have a sufficient supply on hand. Otherwise, you may be forced to physically detain a neighborhood kid for egging your house, and that’s a no win situation.
7. In these strange times, make absolutely sure you know who, or what, you’re flirting with at the costume party.
8. Punch is not manly, even if real eyeballs are floating in it. Insist on a beer. If none is available, the party is not manly, so you can either leave or fetch some from the cooler in your truck.
9. Costumes that restrict your freedom of motion are not manly, for the simple reason that, should a fight start, you are likely to get your butt kicked. Also, I would point out that something like getting your butt kicked while wearing a giant condom costume may lower your manliness to the point where a sex change operation is your only option.
10. Trick or treating is not manly. Well, not for candy anyway.
Enjoy yourselves and, remember, let’s be manly out there.