Manly Halloween tips

With the approach of Halloween, which is a rather confusing holiday in many ways, I’ve had a few requests for tips on how to remain manly during the festivities.  Here they are, and take note that this advice is for adults only:

1.  Fake weapons are NOT manly.  It’s quite appropriate to dress up as a pirate or cowboy or such, but for true manliness, the swords, knives, chainsaws, and pistols involved have to be real and functional.  Guns should be unloaded and edged weapons should remain in their sheaths but, unless you’re a trained actor, you’ll never get the proper swagger in your step carrying a piece of plastic.

2.  Bobbing for apples is not manly, although you may be able to pull it off if you’re bald.

3.  No costume in pink is appropriate.

4.  No tights unless you’re just looking for a fight.

5.  Be careful not to go overboard with feathers.  One or two as hat ornaments are OK; any more and you’re taking a big chance with your macho status.

6.  Always give out good candy and make certain to have a sufficient supply on hand.  Otherwise, you may be forced to physically detain a neighborhood kid for egging your house, and that’s a no win situation.

7.  In these strange times, make absolutely sure you know who, or what, you’re flirting with at the costume party.

8.  Punch is not manly, even if real eyeballs are floating in it.  Insist on a beer.  If none is available, the party is not manly, so you can either leave or fetch some from the cooler in your truck.

9.  Costumes that restrict your freedom of motion are not manly, for the simple reason that, should a fight start, you are likely to get your butt kicked.  Also, I would point out that something like getting your butt kicked while wearing a giant condom costume may lower your manliness to the point where a sex change operation is your only option.

10. Trick or treating is not manly.  Well, not for candy anyway.

Enjoy yourselves and, remember, let’s be manly out there.

Mister Manly


9 Responses to Manly Halloween tips

  1. Pure Evyl says:

    #7 is extremely important. And I feel that it can boost your sagging manliness if you have to take young kids trick or treating, if you can weasel out with a trick or treated beer.

  2. mistermanly says:

    Hi Evyl,

    I figured you’d understand.

    Mister Manly

  3. betme says:

    Great list.

    Mr J and the boy (had to quit calling him the baby when he turned 24) claim they are boycotting Halloween after I shot down their idea of handing out ‘near-beers’ to the little neighborhood terrors.

  4. MJ says:

    I have to say that a father that takes his kids trick or treating is not only manly, but is the HOTTEST THING EVER. I’d gladly give a guy a beer for doing it.

  5. mistermanly says:

    Hi b,

    🙂 If, however, they do it anyway, I hope you have a lawyer in the family.

    Hi MJ,

    I may not have expressed #10 clearly. It’s talking about T&T BY adults, not supervised by adults, which is perfectly manly. And, yes, some costumes can be very hot, a gorilla outfit or authentic plate armor for instance. On the other hand, it’s manly to work up a sweat in a good cause.

    Mister Manly

  6. Girly says:

    Good tips… I will do my best to be manly… but, no promises. 😉

  7. mistermanly says:

    Hi Girly,

    I can’t even imagine you coming close 😉 Sorry not to drop by your blog lately, but I’ve been having technical problems with my other blog. Fortunately, technical problems are manly, or at least solving them is.

    Mister Manly

  8. Hey MM,

    Go into hiding for a few days, and the stuff really stacks up, huh?

    (Actually, the wife has taken a turn, and I’m not talking about taking turns whacking me with a stick, like a pinata…)

    Here’s my Halloween memories for 2008;

    I witnessed (in direct contradiction of MM’s rules) a rather busty woman, dressed in tights, a feather mardi gras mask, a pink wife beater, and a shoulder holster, bobbing for apples, while trying to keep her .38 cal Detectives Special Revolver from falling into the tequila fueled punchbowl.

    Although she fearlessly broke rules #1-5 (and number #2 quite shamelessly I might add… Punch soaked wifebeater and big boobs… Yummmm….) and even rule #8, it was spectacular. I’d have taken pictures, but I couldn’t get the camera out of my pants pocket, due to unforseen swelling…

    And, as much as I tried to swagger in a “manly” fashion, it’s hard to do it with an erection… I’ll try harder, next year, I promise.

    Sorry you missed it.


  9. mistermanly says:

    Hi R,

    So fast that I suspect some law of physics is being broken, or our scientists don’t really have a clue yet.

    Sorry about your wife; kindly relay my best wishes to her and tell her that when she gets better I’ll send her a hand carved locus wood stick to whack you with.

    While it does sound like a party to regret missing, the rules above are for men. If you want advice on female behavior, talk to Girly.

    Mister Manly

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