I have been swamped this morning with desperate pleas from political junkies, Republicans, end-of-the-world nuts, ultra liberals, and others with little or no social life begging me, in fawning terms that I refuse to repeat, for advice on how to get past this election and on with what passes for their lives. While my initial idea on a response involved creative ways to commit suicide so they’d leave me alone, shouldering the burden of responsibility is manly, so I have little choice but to offer the best advice I can.
First, take tomorrow off. Well, those of you with a job or other timely responsibility, take tomorrow off. The rest of you have already met this requirement.
Second, buy lots of beer and chips. Those of you without a ready source of income can either borrow these items or swipe them as opportunity permits, although I must say that theft is not at all manly.
Third, lock your door, paint your windows black or, for you Republicans, dark red, disconnect your phone, detach your TV from everything except the DVD player, and turn off all the lights except one.
Forth, go out and rent a big stack of movies about war, anything science fiction, some Marx Brothers stuff, at least one John Wayne movie, and Sleepers by Woodie Allen.
Fifth, if you know a woman who is suffering from the same malady, invite her over.
Sixth, put a poorly made sign on your door that reads, “go away or I will kill you!” It’s best if the letters are in red ink.
Seventh, make a play list – on your computer or whatever – alternating heavy metal and country western music.
Eight, watch the movies, eat the chips, drink the beer. Between movies, crank up the music and have sex.
Ninth, repeat as necessary until thoughts of politics and the elections are gone from your mind.