Manly Christmas gifts

As Christmas approaches some of you may be having trouble choosing the perfect manly gift for your man.  In honor of Gov. Palin and the First Dude, I’ve decided on an Alaskan theme.

And what could be more manly than elk hunting?

I suggest a stay at Afognak Wilderness Lodge up near Seal Bay.  They have great scenery, rustic cabins, and lots of giant elk just waiting for that bullet with their name on it.  You’ll have to call for prices, but I suspect they’re in the “if you have to ask you can’t afford it” range.

Another hugely manly gift would be an entry in the Iron Dog snow machine race.  This event has been described as:

The Tesoro Iron Dog™ is the longest snowmobile race on the planet. Racers reach speeds in excess of 110 miles per hour as they speed over Alaska’s frozen tundra, enduring wind-chills which plummet down to a bone-chilling 50 below zero!

While I have never been in such a competition, it seems logical that one would require a snowmobile…

… and this one, a Ski-Doo’s MXZ Adrenaline with 600cc E-TEC, sounds like it would do the job.  For around ten grand you get a 120hp monster that has a better power to weight ratio than most sports cars, which should propel it at speeds far beyond anything a wimp would dare think about.

You’ll also need to get the cold weather gear and such, which will run you a few more hundred.

Another mental image that’s often conjured up at the mention of Alaska is…

… dog sledding.  While most people probably won’t have the need or desire to own a sled and a team of dogs, it would be a manly adventure to rent those things and learn how to make them go.  Fortunately, this is available at Northern Sky Lodge and Kennel.  You’ll have to call for prices, but if you can afford it Mister Manly says to mush on up there.

Another part of Alaskan life is flying…

… and learning to fly, besides being a good song, would also be a manly trial.  So pilot lessons would make a great stocking stuffer.  Prices will vary by area, but you can find a flight school near you here.  That site also has links pertaining to the actual purchase of a plane, but if I’m going to suggest you spend that much money I’ll direct you to a sports car page.

Finally, near the top of the big list of manly occupations is lumberjack.  This fact is celebrated in a series of lumberjack competitions that can be seen on any of the multitude of cable sports channels.  Obviously, most people won’t have the time or opportunity to devote themselves to perfecting their skill in most of the events, but most everyone has the time and money to practice this…

… the manly art of ax throwing.  While this is most likely a sport that apartment dwellers should shun, if you have a back yard then $90 can equip your man with a competition legal throwing ax, which comes with the rules of the sport and instructions for building a target.  Heck, buy two so you can both play.  Just be sure to let him win.

Mister Manly

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6 Responses to Manly Christmas gifts

  1. Hmmm…

    Now I have it figured out. You’re really an insurance salesman. How come I know? Well…

    First, shooting an elk gun will bruise you into next Tuesday. Let’s face it, going to Afghanistan to hunt the Taliban is safer than going to war against “Elk-Hida…” And have you seen the horns on those things? Yee-ouch!

    Wife collects life insurance.

    Second, piloting one of those joysleds on steroids will definitely put you in position to see gawd, if you ain’t careful!

    Wife collects life insurance.

    They even wrote a song about it:
    (sung to the tune of “A One Horse Open Sleigh”)

    “Crashing thru the snow,
    At a hundred mile an hour,
    I hit an Eskimo,
    Who’d forgotten how to cower…

    The bell thing didn’t ring,
    he didn’t have a chance,
    and now I’m facing 20 years,
    While Bubba leers at my pants…”

    Oh……
    Forget the sales,
    cuz Christmas smells,
    It’ll get you in the end,
    so listen now and don’t fall prey
    to the message MM sends…”

    And pushing a sled and dogs thru the tundra isn’t “manly,” it’s nuts! The only reason men did it at all, was to return to civilization long enough to remember why they fled their wives in the first place!

    You freeze to death, as the dogs gnaw your balls off. Again, wife collects life insurance.

    As for flying, there’s nothing like a blistering pass into a box canyon, to land in a puddle, to give you an aneurysm. In a place, I might add, where medical attention is as scarce as liberals at a gun show.

    You have a terror-induced heart attack. Wife collects life insurance.

    Don’t get me started on that axe, MM. Those things are sharp, and can slice a bagel like butter! I’d just end up giving myself another briss, with one of those horrible maiming weapons.

    You bleed all over the carpet. And… wife collects life insurance.

    It’s plenty manly to just sit at home in front of a fire, watching football in HD, while drinking scotch. It’s too bad this apt doesn’t actually have a fireplace. Man, the landlord is gonna be pissed at me!

    Remind me to never invite you to my Birthday party (if I manage to live to see another one). You’d probably bring a Monster truck, and run over the house…

    I gotta go now. If I don’t hide the mouse and keyboard, my wife will see this post, and then… she’ll get even more ideas about how to rid herself of me… Oy Vay! Happy Holidays. I hope you choke on your turkey…

  2. […] unknown wrote an interesting post today onManly Christmas gifts « Advice From Mister ManlyHere’s a quick excerptManly Christmas gifts. As Christmas approaches some of you may be having trouble choosing the perfect manly gift for your man. In honor of Gov. Palin and the First Dude, I’ve decided on an Alaskan theme. … […]

  3. mistermanly says:

    Hi r,

    Nope, I never sold insurance. I have, however, sold cars, cemetery plots, termite protection, and hay. Hay is the easiest to sell, but lugging the samples around is a pain.

    Mister Manly.

  4. Hey MM,

    Too bad that. If you did sell insurance, you’d cash in, while you try to get the rest of us killed. Can you say “residual income?” Hmmm?

    You sold “hay?” I bet you looked like that scarecrow who prowled Munchkinville, as they plotted their invasion of Emerald City. I can see it now: “Where’s my brain… where’s my brain… If I only had a brain!” LOL!

    And, isn’t selling “protection” to termites difficult? I mean… they have little tiny… um… er… never mind. Do you have to import the “extra-large” size they sell to Ivan, in Russia? How do they get the wrappers off of them?

    Gotta go now… “Low Meds” alarm just went off…

    Ronin

  5. MJ says:

    Well, that’s interesting. But what about gift ideas for the girl on a budget?

  6. mistermanly says:

    Hi MJ,

    Will do.

    Mister Manly

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