Hard times for Mister Manly

While I apologize for neglecting this blog for so long, I have had good reason for doing so.  I took a few days off to play lumberjack, and harvest a bit of timber off the farm, Paulownia trees to be exact, which look like this…

 

… and fetch a pretty penny in Japan, their native country, if they’re not allowed to get too large.  That’s because they tend to develop a hollow space in the middle as they age, which makes them difficult to convert to lumber.  So, like many things on the farm, when they’re ready they’re ready and you’re working on their schedule. 

Anyway, while risking life and limb while playing with chainsaws, falling trees, and loading large (and heavy) logs onto trailers with a front loader is fun and very manly, it wasn’t enough of a masculine boost to prepare me for the political situation awaiting me when I finally had time to pay attention once again.

Come on people!  I turn my back for a couple of weeks and we have some a smooth talking drug addict socialist in the White House, Congress is falling all over themselves to hand out my money to fucking useless Suits on Wall Street who are wetting their over priced clothes because they tossed the dice with other people’s money and lost, and my wife is harping at me to get my hair “styled” before our son’s wedding.  Honestly, these things have made me take a bit of personal time for contemplation.

The result of this deep thought is:

1.  Since my son is in favor of my hair slaughter, I’ll do it for his sake.

2.  The majority of American citizens are morons, and a good depression that starves off the idiots among us will do the country as a whole a good deal of good.

3.  To make back some of the massive loss of tax dollars the wimps on Wall Street and in Washington have sucked from the common funds, we should start issuing hunting permits on them.  Really, I know several people who would put down several thousand dollars for a chance to have a prominent politician’s or a Wall Street fat cat’s head mounted on their wall.  Now that’s what I call a stimulus.

4.  On the dark side, it looks like a bit of manly advice on how to survive the disaster our crap politicians have heaped upon us will be necessary, and I’m hard at work to collect and get ready to publish it.

Once again, sorry to take so long, but even I, Mister Manly, was caught off guard by the rapid stupidity that has hit us lately.  Oh, and I also waisted a few days talking myself out of making a one man march on Washington to protest the State of the Union, with lots of guns and a death wish.  I’m past that now, although I’m not all that certain it was a good decision, but I’ll stick to it for now.

Crap,
Mister Manly

Less expensive manly Christmas gifts

As requested by my friend, MJ, here are some manly gifts that are less expensive.

For those who are on a really tight budget, the best gift may be a bit of information and time to follow where it leads.  With that in mind, give your man this reference, http://www.globalsecurity.org/military/library/policy/army/fm/,

and promise not to pester him for spending hours reading the massive number of US Military field manuals that are available on line for free.  Just be sure that, once he gets into reading this stuff you remember to make him eat and drink occasionally.

Any man will be quite pleased with the gift of a pocket knife, and this one…

… will be even more appreciated as it’s not the run of the mill multipurpose tool, but is specifically designed to be useful in emergency situations.  At $90 it’s at the top of today’s price list, but it has a blade designed to cut through safety glass, which is mucho manly.

And if you’re looking for a gift that leads to a bit of hands on fun…

… this massage ball should do the trick.  It’s only $11 and, well, if you only use it once I’d say that’s money well spent.

A more practical gift is this set of multi-purpose tools…

… with the key being that, while they’re not heavy duty implements, at $20 they are a handy addition to the tool box and give one the option of taking one or two tools to make a minor repair without having to tote a large number of tools to hard to reach locations.  I know several professional service and repair people who wouldn’t be caught dead without these items.

If your man cooks, he can always use one of these…

… 4″ paring knives from the same people who make Swiss Army knives.  At only $50, it’ll be a useful gift that lasts a life time and also shows that you have exceptional good taste.

If your man grills, and he most likely either does or wants to, a pair of tongs like this…

 

… will be most appreciated.  Since most men have some form of “grill tool set” they find themselves stuck with the crappy pair of cooking tweezers which is included and is nothing more than a piece of metal bent into the shape of the letter U.  This item, however, is a larger model of the standard and indispensable kitchen tongs and, at $11, should be something he can’t wait to play with.

Finally, and best, if he doesn’t already have one, get him a copy of this book…

… which you can pick up at most any book store for less than $20.  While it’s a bit old, it’s also probably the most manly book ever written, offering as it does such bits of wisdom as, “where you are weak show strength and where you are strong show weakness.”  This is unquestionably required manly reading.

Merry Christmas,
Mister Manly

Manly Christmas gifts

As Christmas approaches some of you may be having trouble choosing the perfect manly gift for your man.  In honor of Gov. Palin and the First Dude, I’ve decided on an Alaskan theme.

And what could be more manly than elk hunting?

I suggest a stay at Afognak Wilderness Lodge up near Seal Bay.  They have great scenery, rustic cabins, and lots of giant elk just waiting for that bullet with their name on it.  You’ll have to call for prices, but I suspect they’re in the “if you have to ask you can’t afford it” range.

Another hugely manly gift would be an entry in the Iron Dog snow machine race.  This event has been described as:

The Tesoro Iron Dog™ is the longest snowmobile race on the planet. Racers reach speeds in excess of 110 miles per hour as they speed over Alaska’s frozen tundra, enduring wind-chills which plummet down to a bone-chilling 50 below zero!

While I have never been in such a competition, it seems logical that one would require a snowmobile…

… and this one, a Ski-Doo’s MXZ Adrenaline with 600cc E-TEC, sounds like it would do the job.  For around ten grand you get a 120hp monster that has a better power to weight ratio than most sports cars, which should propel it at speeds far beyond anything a wimp would dare think about.

You’ll also need to get the cold weather gear and such, which will run you a few more hundred.

Another mental image that’s often conjured up at the mention of Alaska is…

… dog sledding.  While most people probably won’t have the need or desire to own a sled and a team of dogs, it would be a manly adventure to rent those things and learn how to make them go.  Fortunately, this is available at Northern Sky Lodge and Kennel.  You’ll have to call for prices, but if you can afford it Mister Manly says to mush on up there.

Another part of Alaskan life is flying…

… and learning to fly, besides being a good song, would also be a manly trial.  So pilot lessons would make a great stocking stuffer.  Prices will vary by area, but you can find a flight school near you here.  That site also has links pertaining to the actual purchase of a plane, but if I’m going to suggest you spend that much money I’ll direct you to a sports car page.

Finally, near the top of the big list of manly occupations is lumberjack.  This fact is celebrated in a series of lumberjack competitions that can be seen on any of the multitude of cable sports channels.  Obviously, most people won’t have the time or opportunity to devote themselves to perfecting their skill in most of the events, but most everyone has the time and money to practice this…

… the manly art of ax throwing.  While this is most likely a sport that apartment dwellers should shun, if you have a back yard then $90 can equip your man with a competition legal throwing ax, which comes with the rules of the sport and instructions for building a target.  Heck, buy two so you can both play.  Just be sure to let him win.

Mister Manly

Saving the auto industry the manly way.

It has come to my attention that our top three automobile manufacturers are in financial trouble, and their wimp CEOs are on their knees before Congress offering sexual favors if only the Government will bail them out of their mess with big piles of tax dollars.  Of course, since that mess is that the spineless executives in charge of these companies have become the bitches of the union thugs, so no amount of free money is going to save GMC, Ford, and/or Chrysler.

Fortunately, after noticing the number of news articles about piracy today, I’ve come up with a manly way for these companies to work their way out of financial difficulty without costing the American tax payer anything.  Congress and the President should grant letters of marque to the Big Three, making them legally able to act as privateers, or Government sponsored pirates sanctioned to attack ships of countries we don’t particularly like.  There are, last I checked, plenty of countries that qualify.

Given the violent history of the UAW, I’m sure there will be no shortage of people to man the ships.  I’ve even made up a flag for them:

In addition, since New York is just as poorly run, and so is in just as bad a shape, financially speaking, I’m sure they’d turn over the Staten Island Ferry for a share of the loot:

Which could quickly be armed with the latest weapons technology the auto makers can get their hands on, and based on how high tech their cars are this would be it:

Still, with a little imagination and hard work that should be enough to at least get them started on the road to recovery, and it’s definitely a more manly choice than begging a bunch of politicians for a handout.

Mister Manly

Manly gifts for these unsettled times.

While it’s not manly to talk politics outside of an environment that doesn’t allow physical contact between those involved in the conversation, it’s also not manly to ignore how things are going in the country in general.  With that in mind, and not casting blame in any particular direction, it’s interesting to note that we are in unsettled political and financial times, and that this presents an opportunity to pick up some of those manly gifts your man wants at really good prices.  Thus, the items I’m listing today won’t have a price or source of purchase, but will be things you  should keep an eye open for a good deal on.

What man wouldn’t want to be part owner of an automobile manufacturer?

And let’s face it, regardless of their fiscal soundness, General Motors has been the leader in making manly transportation for years.  Besides, even though the value of their shares has dropped enough that picking up a certificate for a hundred and having it framed for display on the garage wall is now in the stocking stuffer range, since the Government seems hell bent on propping the company up, it might even be a good investment.

On the other hand, what with high gas prices and economic woes, some of the more manly vehicles are not selling as well as usual, and good deals may be had on both new and used ones.

So, while in normal times a Hummer or a sweet sports car might have been out of your price range, it couldn’t hurt to look around and see if something this manly can find its way into your drive way for Christmas.

Another industry that’s seeing hard times is home construction.

And that should mean some excellent deals on the manly tools of that trade.  I’m thinking that the prices on used power tools, like nail guns, are so low that you’ll need an extra large tree to put them under.  Make sure you buy name brands that aren’t visibly beat up, and there should be some great man pleasing values around.

Guns.

OK, you’re probably not going to get a deal on these.  Still, considering the new Government’s view on private firearm ownership, this might be the last chance you have to put something like this AR-15 in your man’s hands.  Trust me, he’ll be most grateful for it.  Oh, and don’t forget the extras – ammunition, large capacity magazines, and such.

What with large car engines being out of favor, some are finding creative ways to use the unwanted parts.

While any man would drool over a V-8 grill, there are probably many more unique creations out there that would also be manly fun.  It couldn’t hurt to look.

It has also come to my attention that, due to the general fear for the economy, air travel rates are down, and the air lines are begging for customers.  This comes at a perfect time, because it should be quite reasonable to hand your man round trip tickets to California, so he can get in on the Prop 8 protests.

While I have no general view on the manliness of gay marriage, I do think that, at times, a man needs a good fight, and I’m thinking that if your man can’t find a good reason to pound on either of these groups, then you’re probably reading the wrong blog.

Let us not forget the manliness of building stuff.

 

That is a cargo container.  It’s a big steel box about the size of the trailers semi-trucks haul around.  They’re used in great quantity to ship things around the world on ships, trains, and trucks.  Fortunately, in a way, since we in the United States import more goods than we ship out, they tend to pile up over here.  This makes them right cheap.  They have all sorts of other uses, from extra storage to forming the basis for construction of an underground bunker.  My friend at http://renaissanceronin.wordpress.com/, is using them to build a house.  Still, whatever purpose that are put to, they are technically buildings once on the ground, so if you put two in the back yard, your home turns into a compound, and that is manly.

This last one is off theme, but after I found out the price I was compelled to include it.  It’s a motion sensitive automatic camera.

It’s sometimes known as a game camera because biologists use them to monitor wildlife movement along game trails, and it is really manly cool.  The concept is that you strap it to a tree in a spot where you want to know what’s happening when you’re not there, come back later, and it has a picture of everything that moved in front of it, even in the dark.  I haven’t mentioned them before because I figured they would be far too expensive, but it turns out they can be obtained for around $100!  I would point out that, while I want some to keep an eye on what the critters are doing on my farm while I’m not looking, they have a large number of uses even in urban areas.  Are your children sneaking out at night?  Who’s raiding the refrigerator while you’re asleep?  Who swipes your newspaper most mornings before you get down to fetch it?  Who’s tossing trash in your yard as they drive by?  Now you can find out.  I’m putting this on my Christmas wish list, and if I get one I’ll post some of the resulting photos.

Mister Manly

Post election advice

I have been swamped this morning with desperate pleas from political junkies, Republicans, end-of-the-world nuts, ultra liberals, and others with little or no social life begging me, in fawning terms that I refuse to repeat, for advice on how to get past this election and on with what passes for their lives.  While my initial idea on a response involved creative ways to commit suicide so they’d leave me alone, shouldering the burden of responsibility is manly, so I have little choice but to offer the best advice I can.

First, take tomorrow off.  Well, those of you with a job or other timely responsibility, take tomorrow off.  The rest of you have already met this requirement.

Second, buy lots of beer and chips.  Those of you without a ready source of income can either borrow these items or swipe them as opportunity permits, although I must say that theft is not at all manly.

Third, lock your door, paint your windows black or, for you Republicans, dark red, disconnect your phone, detach your TV from everything except the DVD player, and turn off all the lights except one.

Forth, go out and rent a big stack of movies about war, anything science fiction, some Marx Brothers stuff, at least one John Wayne movie, and Sleepers by Woodie Allen.

Fifth, if you know a woman who is suffering from the same malady, invite her over.

Sixth, put a poorly made sign on your door that reads, “go away or I will kill you!”  It’s best if the letters are in red ink.

Seventh, make a play list – on your computer or whatever – alternating heavy metal and country western music.

Eight, watch the movies, eat the chips, drink the beer.  Between movies, crank up the music and have sex.

Ninth, repeat as necessary until thoughts of politics and the elections are gone from your mind.

Good luck,
Mister Manly

Election day at last!

VOTING IS MANLY

GO DO IT!

Mister Manly

Manly Halloween tips

With the approach of Halloween, which is a rather confusing holiday in many ways, I’ve had a few requests for tips on how to remain manly during the festivities.  Here they are, and take note that this advice is for adults only:

1.  Fake weapons are NOT manly.  It’s quite appropriate to dress up as a pirate or cowboy or such, but for true manliness, the swords, knives, chainsaws, and pistols involved have to be real and functional.  Guns should be unloaded and edged weapons should remain in their sheaths but, unless you’re a trained actor, you’ll never get the proper swagger in your step carrying a piece of plastic.

2.  Bobbing for apples is not manly, although you may be able to pull it off if you’re bald.

3.  No costume in pink is appropriate.

4.  No tights unless you’re just looking for a fight.

5.  Be careful not to go overboard with feathers.  One or two as hat ornaments are OK; any more and you’re taking a big chance with your macho status.

6.  Always give out good candy and make certain to have a sufficient supply on hand.  Otherwise, you may be forced to physically detain a neighborhood kid for egging your house, and that’s a no win situation.

7.  In these strange times, make absolutely sure you know who, or what, you’re flirting with at the costume party.

8.  Punch is not manly, even if real eyeballs are floating in it.  Insist on a beer.  If none is available, the party is not manly, so you can either leave or fetch some from the cooler in your truck.

9.  Costumes that restrict your freedom of motion are not manly, for the simple reason that, should a fight start, you are likely to get your butt kicked.  Also, I would point out that something like getting your butt kicked while wearing a giant condom costume may lower your manliness to the point where a sex change operation is your only option.

10. Trick or treating is not manly.  Well, not for candy anyway.

Enjoy yourselves and, remember, let’s be manly out there.

Mister Manly

Representive John Murtha should kiss my redneck ass.

While I, Mister Manly, don’t normally like getting into political issues as, apart from military funding, they’re generally pretty wimpy, I find it impossible not to make an exception in the case of Rep. John Murtha because of his recent comment about rednecks.  Earlier in the week this feeble minded fool blamed his own constituantents lack of enthusiam for voting for Obama on their racism.  When called to task for this remark, he appoligised and insisted that it was only a reaction to the high redneck population in the area that made him mention it at all.

So, being a member of the minority that the fat aging brain damaged good Representative feels comfortable about insulting, I’d just like to issue an invitation to his sorry ass to come down here and settle it like men.  I know that at some point in his distant past he must have been a man since he was a Marine.  While it’s truly sad to see someone like that sink into the depths of insanity, his remarks are also beyond tollerating.  Still, since it’s obvious that, even though I am starting to feel the effects of age, I’d kill him with the first punch, let us make it fair.  You, John, bring whatever “friends” you have in the House down, and I’ll invite my black friends, who are all Democrats by the way but who I’m thinking would like to take a swing or three at you elitist Yankee assholes, and we’ll have a big fun brawl on my front lawn.  Heck, I’ll even buy the beer.

While you’re trying to work up enough courage to even consider my challenge, shove this up your Cut-And_Run old ass:

While you’re at it, bring Obama with you.  I may have a few years on him, but I’d purely love to take a shot at him.  Oh, and make sure Pelosi is in attendance.  Some of the local ladies are just dieing to have some of her hair 🙂

Bring it, you intollerant bastard!
Mister Manly

Advice to Stanley

I received this email this morning:

Dear Mister Manly,

My job requires me to walk through public places most of the day.  Normally, I enjoy being out and about with the general population, but lately I’ve had some difficulties with political activists getting in my face over their stupid beliefs.  I’ve had this happen in the past with religious freeks, but it was pretty well understood with the local law enforcement people that kicking their asses out of your way was quite alright.  I figure that the same should apply to political fanatics, but I’m not getting any vibe from the local cops.

Can I kick some butt or not?

Stanley

Dear Stanley,

First, since I can feel your pain, I will exercise great self restraint and not go into what I think about your name.  So, moving past that minor problem, I would say that my reading of the Constitution includes something about your freedom of expression where politics is involved.  While the original document only specifically mentions “freedom of speech” in this area, recent Supreme Court rulings have extended this right to include burning the American Flag and other minor acts of violence preformed in the name of “liberty.”  Thus, and the key here is restraint, I see no reason why a good lawyer couldn’t make a great case that inflicting a bit of bodily harm on some twit who gets in your face about some political candidate wouldn’t fall under the same right of free expression of political opinion. 

On the other hand, I’m not a lawyer, nor would I want to be one, so my advice in this area may be questionable.  On the gripping hand, if you have good enough lawyers, as the OJ murder case demonstrates, it really doesn’t matter what the law actually is.  Beyond that, if you don’t go to extremes in dealing out some physical discouragement to political pests, and even if the local police decide to waste time on your case, assault on that level is usually a misdemeanor, and first time offenders get off with probation.

Still, if one is sly, there is no need for any legally actionable criminal action.  For instance, when a sign waving political activist starts to block your way, simply pretend to stumble, fall forward, and drive an elbow into the twit’s stomach.  Apologize profusely and, while attempting to help him up, fall to the side and dislocate his arm while falling.  At this point, you should probably make a show of having injuries of your own, and do some yelling for medical assistance.  Who knows, if the twit in question is an employee of some serious political campaign, you might even be able to get some insane monetary compensation from them in future legal actions.  Ain’t it a great country?

Mister Manley