Hard times for Mister Manly

March 16, 2009

While I apologize for neglecting this blog for so long, I have had good reason for doing so.  I took a few days off to play lumberjack, and harvest a bit of timber off the farm, Paulownia trees to be exact, which look like this…

 paulownia_tree2b

… and fetch a pretty penny in Japan, their native country, if they’re not allowed to get too large.  That’s because they tend to develop a hollow space in the middle as they age, which makes them difficult to convert to lumber.  So, like many things on the farm, when they’re ready they’re ready and you’re working on their schedule. 

Anyway, while risking life and limb while playing with chainsaws, falling trees, and loading large (and heavy) logs onto trailers with a front loader is fun and very manly, it wasn’t enough of a masculine boost to prepare me for the political situation awaiting me when I finally had time to pay attention once again.

Come on people!  I turn my back for a couple of weeks and we have some a smooth talking drug addict socialist in the White House, Congress is falling all over themselves to hand out my money to fucking useless Suits on Wall Street who are wetting their over priced clothes because they tossed the dice with other people’s money and lost, and my wife is harping at me to get my hair “styled” before our son’s wedding.  Honestly, these things have made me take a bit of personal time for contemplation.

The result of this deep thought is:

1.  Since my son is in favor of my hair slaughter, I’ll do it for his sake.

2.  The majority of American citizens are morons, and a good depression that starves off the idiots among us will do the country as a whole a good deal of good.

3.  To make back some of the massive loss of tax dollars the wimps on Wall Street and in Washington have sucked from the common funds, we should start issuing hunting permits on them.  Really, I know several people who would put down several thousand dollars for a chance to have a prominent politician’s or a Wall Street fat cat’s head mounted on their wall.  Now that’s what I call a stimulus.

4.  On the dark side, it looks like a bit of manly advice on how to survive the disaster our crap politicians have heaped upon us will be necessary, and I’m hard at work to collect and get ready to publish it.

Once again, sorry to take so long, but even I, Mister Manly, was caught off guard by the rapid stupidity that has hit us lately.  Oh, and I also waisted a few days talking myself out of making a one man march on Washington to protest the State of the Union, with lots of guns and a death wish.  I’m past that now, although I’m not all that certain it was a good decision, but I’ll stick to it for now.

Crap,
Mister Manly


Saving the auto industry the manly way.

November 18, 2008

It has come to my attention that our top three automobile manufacturers are in financial trouble, and their wimp CEOs are on their knees before Congress offering sexual favors if only the Government will bail them out of their mess with big piles of tax dollars.  Of course, since that mess is that the spineless executives in charge of these companies have become the bitches of the union thugs, so no amount of free money is going to save GMC, Ford, and/or Chrysler.

Fortunately, after noticing the number of news articles about piracy today, I’ve come up with a manly way for these companies to work their way out of financial difficulty without costing the American tax payer anything.  Congress and the President should grant letters of marque to the Big Three, making them legally able to act as privateers, or Government sponsored pirates sanctioned to attack ships of countries we don’t particularly like.  There are, last I checked, plenty of countries that qualify.

Given the violent history of the UAW, I’m sure there will be no shortage of people to man the ships.  I’ve even made up a flag for them:

baillout01

In addition, since New York is just as poorly run, and so is in just as bad a shape, financially speaking, I’m sure they’d turn over the Staten Island Ferry for a share of the loot:

baillout02

Which could quickly be armed with the latest weapons technology the auto makers can get their hands on, and based on how high tech their cars are this would be it:

baillout03

Still, with a little imagination and hard work that should be enough to at least get them started on the road to recovery, and it’s definitely a more manly choice than begging a bunch of politicians for a handout.

Mister Manly


Post election advice

November 5, 2008

I have been swamped this morning with desperate pleas from political junkies, Republicans, end-of-the-world nuts, ultra liberals, and others with little or no social life begging me, in fawning terms that I refuse to repeat, for advice on how to get past this election and on with what passes for their lives.  While my initial idea on a response involved creative ways to commit suicide so they’d leave me alone, shouldering the burden of responsibility is manly, so I have little choice but to offer the best advice I can.

First, take tomorrow off.  Well, those of you with a job or other timely responsibility, take tomorrow off.  The rest of you have already met this requirement.

Second, buy lots of beer and chips.  Those of you without a ready source of income can either borrow these items or swipe them as opportunity permits, although I must say that theft is not at all manly.

Third, lock your door, paint your windows black or, for you Republicans, dark red, disconnect your phone, detach your TV from everything except the DVD player, and turn off all the lights except one.

Forth, go out and rent a big stack of movies about war, anything science fiction, some Marx Brothers stuff, at least one John Wayne movie, and Sleepers by Woodie Allen.

Fifth, if you know a woman who is suffering from the same malady, invite her over.

Sixth, put a poorly made sign on your door that reads, “go away or I will kill you!”  It’s best if the letters are in red ink.

Seventh, make a play list – on your computer or whatever – alternating heavy metal and country western music.

Eight, watch the movies, eat the chips, drink the beer.  Between movies, crank up the music and have sex.

Ninth, repeat as necessary until thoughts of politics and the elections are gone from your mind.

Good luck,
Mister Manly


Representive John Murtha should kiss my redneck ass.

October 21, 2008

While I, Mister Manly, don’t normally like getting into political issues as, apart from military funding, they’re generally pretty wimpy, I find it impossible not to make an exception in the case of Rep. John Murtha because of his recent comment about rednecks.  Earlier in the week this feeble minded fool blamed his own constituantents lack of enthusiam for voting for Obama on their racism.  When called to task for this remark, he appoligised and insisted that it was only a reaction to the high redneck population in the area that made him mention it at all.

So, being a member of the minority that the fat aging brain damaged good Representative feels comfortable about insulting, I’d just like to issue an invitation to his sorry ass to come down here and settle it like men.  I know that at some point in his distant past he must have been a man since he was a Marine.  While it’s truly sad to see someone like that sink into the depths of insanity, his remarks are also beyond tollerating.  Still, since it’s obvious that, even though I am starting to feel the effects of age, I’d kill him with the first punch, let us make it fair.  You, John, bring whatever “friends” you have in the House down, and I’ll invite my black friends, who are all Democrats by the way but who I’m thinking would like to take a swing or three at you elitist Yankee assholes, and we’ll have a big fun brawl on my front lawn.  Heck, I’ll even buy the beer.

While you’re trying to work up enough courage to even consider my challenge, shove this up your Cut-And_Run old ass:

While you’re at it, bring Obama with you.  I may have a few years on him, but I’d purely love to take a shot at him.  Oh, and make sure Pelosi is in attendance.  Some of the local ladies are just dieing to have some of her hair 🙂

Bring it, you intollerant bastard!
Mister Manly


Manly gifts for the politically active.

October 8, 2008

It has been brought to my attention that there is a lot of political activity in the country at this time, and that some men seem to be almost as interested in supporting their favorite candidates as in football.  While I find this difficult to believe, people do crazy things and even the insane deserve to follow their individual delusions in a manly way.  Thus, if anyone out there wants to gift one of these men with something to appeal to their political passion here are some ideas.

The first one is a do-it-your-self kit rather than a single purchase.  I highly recommend this one if you want to get him to stop screaming at the TV for a while and back into the workshop so you can relax.  This group of products, combined with a bit of basic manufacturing and some elbow grease, is intended to counter that most dastardly form of political activity, the stealing of yard signs.

The starting point for this project is a steel fence post:

These are known as T-posts and are frequently used instead of wooden posts to support field fencing designed to keep cattle weighing a ton or so from wondering away from where they are supposed to be.  Compared to the thin wooden stake that the normal political sign comes with, these are like a main battle tank parked next to a skateboard.  They come in various lengths, and for this purpose I recommend the 7″ version.  Your average political sign is displayed at most 3 feet high, so that leaves 4 feet of metal to pound into the ground as an anchor.  They cost less than $7 each and can be purchased at most of the big hardware stores and at Tractor Supply Company.

Of course, to get them into the ground the proper tool is needed,

and that is a post driver, around $40 from the same store that sells you the T-posts.  Basically, this is a section of metal pipe with one end firmly capped and handles wielded on.  To use it, you ram the post into the ground deep enough to hold itself up, put the open end of this over the top, and lift and drop until the post is pounded to the desired depth.  This process makes a lot of noise, so you may want to toss in some ear protection.  It’s also really good exercise, so you may want to toss in some pain killers.

The next item needed is a metal sheet,

I recommend 12 ga stainless steel which you can get for well under $100, depending on the size.  Measure one of his yard signs to determine the appropriate dimensions.

Next is a sheet of high grade acrylic,

This is the stuff they make bullet proof windows from, and this one is coated to resist scratches and chemical stains.  The 1/8″ should do just fine and is less than $80.

Have him drill matching holes in each corner of the steel and plastic sheets.  Take the wimpy stick off the political sign of his choice and place it face up on the steel plate.  Cover with the acrylic.  Bolt it in place (he should have these on hand or will know where to get them.)  Pound in the T-post.  Spot wield or epoxy the steel plate to the post.  Oh, and prior to driving in the post, make sure that no underground infrastructure will be damaged, like gas lines and such. 

The result will be a political sign that will last for years, be the envy of the neighborhood, and easily withstand any casual assault.  Just the mental image of the look on the face of the first person who attempts to snatch it on a middle of the night run is well worth the expense and effort.

Speaking of which, if you’ve got a great sign, why limit the viewing of it to the daylight hours?  Thus a few of these may be appropriate:

These being high intensity solar powered disguised as rocks flood lights. They’re less than $35, buy several, make sure everyone sees those signs.  During the non-political seasons you can use them to light your drive way or something.

Then there are those times where the political signs must be carried around.  This is usually called a “demonstration.”  Most often, signs are handed out on site and consist of a thin wooden handle with a bit of printed cardboard stapled to it.  Hardly manly, and next to worthless when the riot police show up.  That’s where this:

telescoping aluminum rod comes in.  When the three automatically locking sections are fully extended they form an 8′ rod, but when collapsed will easily fit into even a small car.  A few drops of super glue will quickly attach any bit of lightweight political display.  At full extension this item will allow your sign to be seen above the crowd, and when collapsed it makes a much better weapon than a cheap softwood twig.  It’s a bargain at $35.

Of course, sometimes it’s manly to go overboard and this:

probably falls into that category for most people.  That’s an Xtreme-Beam portable laser light show system, ranging in price and power from $6,000 to $30,000, and with which you can paint your desired political slogan on anything from the side of your house to a skyscraper.  In the off season you can use it to display all sorts of other stuff.

On the other hand, there are other senses beyond the visual and this,

gives the politically active individual leverage on what others hear.  It’s MiniVox Lite PA System, and for less than $400 allows one to walk around for up to 12 hours amplifying whatever you want to say to 109 dB.  Personally, I want one just to make my wife listen to me when I talk and to scare the heck out of the dogs.  I can also see some fun applications it might have in restaurants with less than attentive waiters/waitresses.

Finally, for the man who likes to staple signs to telephone poles,

get him the right tool.  The Stanley Bostitch Power Slam Hammer Tacker is that tool.  For around $35, this implement will allow you to pound a staple into a hard surface just by swinging it like a hammer.  I have, in my youth, used more primitive versions of this tool to plaster political, and other types of, signs all over and, with a tiny bit of practice, I developed the ability to affix a sign to any wooden surface, with three staples for a sure hold, in less than a second.  I can only have marvelous dreams as to how fast posters can be put up with this high tech tool.

Oh, and remember to vote.  It doesn’t matter for who, but the act of voting fulfills a responsibility, and that is manly.  Of course, these days it’s also womanly, but historically it was manly, so everybody go vote!

Mister Manly