Hard times for Mister Manly

March 16, 2009

While I apologize for neglecting this blog for so long, I have had good reason for doing so.  I took a few days off to play lumberjack, and harvest a bit of timber off the farm, Paulownia trees to be exact, which look like this…

 paulownia_tree2b

… and fetch a pretty penny in Japan, their native country, if they’re not allowed to get too large.  That’s because they tend to develop a hollow space in the middle as they age, which makes them difficult to convert to lumber.  So, like many things on the farm, when they’re ready they’re ready and you’re working on their schedule. 

Anyway, while risking life and limb while playing with chainsaws, falling trees, and loading large (and heavy) logs onto trailers with a front loader is fun and very manly, it wasn’t enough of a masculine boost to prepare me for the political situation awaiting me when I finally had time to pay attention once again.

Come on people!  I turn my back for a couple of weeks and we have some a smooth talking drug addict socialist in the White House, Congress is falling all over themselves to hand out my money to fucking useless Suits on Wall Street who are wetting their over priced clothes because they tossed the dice with other people’s money and lost, and my wife is harping at me to get my hair “styled” before our son’s wedding.  Honestly, these things have made me take a bit of personal time for contemplation.

The result of this deep thought is:

1.  Since my son is in favor of my hair slaughter, I’ll do it for his sake.

2.  The majority of American citizens are morons, and a good depression that starves off the idiots among us will do the country as a whole a good deal of good.

3.  To make back some of the massive loss of tax dollars the wimps on Wall Street and in Washington have sucked from the common funds, we should start issuing hunting permits on them.  Really, I know several people who would put down several thousand dollars for a chance to have a prominent politician’s or a Wall Street fat cat’s head mounted on their wall.  Now that’s what I call a stimulus.

4.  On the dark side, it looks like a bit of manly advice on how to survive the disaster our crap politicians have heaped upon us will be necessary, and I’m hard at work to collect and get ready to publish it.

Once again, sorry to take so long, but even I, Mister Manly, was caught off guard by the rapid stupidity that has hit us lately.  Oh, and I also waisted a few days talking myself out of making a one man march on Washington to protest the State of the Union, with lots of guns and a death wish.  I’m past that now, although I’m not all that certain it was a good decision, but I’ll stick to it for now.

Crap,
Mister Manly


Saving the auto industry the manly way.

November 18, 2008

It has come to my attention that our top three automobile manufacturers are in financial trouble, and their wimp CEOs are on their knees before Congress offering sexual favors if only the Government will bail them out of their mess with big piles of tax dollars.  Of course, since that mess is that the spineless executives in charge of these companies have become the bitches of the union thugs, so no amount of free money is going to save GMC, Ford, and/or Chrysler.

Fortunately, after noticing the number of news articles about piracy today, I’ve come up with a manly way for these companies to work their way out of financial difficulty without costing the American tax payer anything.  Congress and the President should grant letters of marque to the Big Three, making them legally able to act as privateers, or Government sponsored pirates sanctioned to attack ships of countries we don’t particularly like.  There are, last I checked, plenty of countries that qualify.

Given the violent history of the UAW, I’m sure there will be no shortage of people to man the ships.  I’ve even made up a flag for them:

baillout01

In addition, since New York is just as poorly run, and so is in just as bad a shape, financially speaking, I’m sure they’d turn over the Staten Island Ferry for a share of the loot:

baillout02

Which could quickly be armed with the latest weapons technology the auto makers can get their hands on, and based on how high tech their cars are this would be it:

baillout03

Still, with a little imagination and hard work that should be enough to at least get them started on the road to recovery, and it’s definitely a more manly choice than begging a bunch of politicians for a handout.

Mister Manly


Post election advice

November 5, 2008

I have been swamped this morning with desperate pleas from political junkies, Republicans, end-of-the-world nuts, ultra liberals, and others with little or no social life begging me, in fawning terms that I refuse to repeat, for advice on how to get past this election and on with what passes for their lives.  While my initial idea on a response involved creative ways to commit suicide so they’d leave me alone, shouldering the burden of responsibility is manly, so I have little choice but to offer the best advice I can.

First, take tomorrow off.  Well, those of you with a job or other timely responsibility, take tomorrow off.  The rest of you have already met this requirement.

Second, buy lots of beer and chips.  Those of you without a ready source of income can either borrow these items or swipe them as opportunity permits, although I must say that theft is not at all manly.

Third, lock your door, paint your windows black or, for you Republicans, dark red, disconnect your phone, detach your TV from everything except the DVD player, and turn off all the lights except one.

Forth, go out and rent a big stack of movies about war, anything science fiction, some Marx Brothers stuff, at least one John Wayne movie, and Sleepers by Woodie Allen.

Fifth, if you know a woman who is suffering from the same malady, invite her over.

Sixth, put a poorly made sign on your door that reads, “go away or I will kill you!”  It’s best if the letters are in red ink.

Seventh, make a play list – on your computer or whatever – alternating heavy metal and country western music.

Eight, watch the movies, eat the chips, drink the beer.  Between movies, crank up the music and have sex.

Ninth, repeat as necessary until thoughts of politics and the elections are gone from your mind.

Good luck,
Mister Manly


Election day at last!

November 4, 2008

VOTING IS MANLY

GO DO IT!

Mister Manly


Representive John Murtha should kiss my redneck ass.

October 21, 2008

While I, Mister Manly, don’t normally like getting into political issues as, apart from military funding, they’re generally pretty wimpy, I find it impossible not to make an exception in the case of Rep. John Murtha because of his recent comment about rednecks.  Earlier in the week this feeble minded fool blamed his own constituantents lack of enthusiam for voting for Obama on their racism.  When called to task for this remark, he appoligised and insisted that it was only a reaction to the high redneck population in the area that made him mention it at all.

So, being a member of the minority that the fat aging brain damaged good Representative feels comfortable about insulting, I’d just like to issue an invitation to his sorry ass to come down here and settle it like men.  I know that at some point in his distant past he must have been a man since he was a Marine.  While it’s truly sad to see someone like that sink into the depths of insanity, his remarks are also beyond tollerating.  Still, since it’s obvious that, even though I am starting to feel the effects of age, I’d kill him with the first punch, let us make it fair.  You, John, bring whatever “friends” you have in the House down, and I’ll invite my black friends, who are all Democrats by the way but who I’m thinking would like to take a swing or three at you elitist Yankee assholes, and we’ll have a big fun brawl on my front lawn.  Heck, I’ll even buy the beer.

While you’re trying to work up enough courage to even consider my challenge, shove this up your Cut-And_Run old ass:

While you’re at it, bring Obama with you.  I may have a few years on him, but I’d purely love to take a shot at him.  Oh, and make sure Pelosi is in attendance.  Some of the local ladies are just dieing to have some of her hair 🙂

Bring it, you intollerant bastard!
Mister Manly


Advice to Stanley

October 14, 2008

I received this email this morning:

Dear Mister Manly,

My job requires me to walk through public places most of the day.  Normally, I enjoy being out and about with the general population, but lately I’ve had some difficulties with political activists getting in my face over their stupid beliefs.  I’ve had this happen in the past with religious freeks, but it was pretty well understood with the local law enforcement people that kicking their asses out of your way was quite alright.  I figure that the same should apply to political fanatics, but I’m not getting any vibe from the local cops.

Can I kick some butt or not?

Stanley

Dear Stanley,

First, since I can feel your pain, I will exercise great self restraint and not go into what I think about your name.  So, moving past that minor problem, I would say that my reading of the Constitution includes something about your freedom of expression where politics is involved.  While the original document only specifically mentions “freedom of speech” in this area, recent Supreme Court rulings have extended this right to include burning the American Flag and other minor acts of violence preformed in the name of “liberty.”  Thus, and the key here is restraint, I see no reason why a good lawyer couldn’t make a great case that inflicting a bit of bodily harm on some twit who gets in your face about some political candidate wouldn’t fall under the same right of free expression of political opinion. 

On the other hand, I’m not a lawyer, nor would I want to be one, so my advice in this area may be questionable.  On the gripping hand, if you have good enough lawyers, as the OJ murder case demonstrates, it really doesn’t matter what the law actually is.  Beyond that, if you don’t go to extremes in dealing out some physical discouragement to political pests, and even if the local police decide to waste time on your case, assault on that level is usually a misdemeanor, and first time offenders get off with probation.

Still, if one is sly, there is no need for any legally actionable criminal action.  For instance, when a sign waving political activist starts to block your way, simply pretend to stumble, fall forward, and drive an elbow into the twit’s stomach.  Apologize profusely and, while attempting to help him up, fall to the side and dislocate his arm while falling.  At this point, you should probably make a show of having injuries of your own, and do some yelling for medical assistance.  Who knows, if the twit in question is an employee of some serious political campaign, you might even be able to get some insane monetary compensation from them in future legal actions.  Ain’t it a great country?

Mister Manley